Onward Bound Humor

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

245. Rules For Singing The Blues

1. Most Blues begin, " Woke up this morning"
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, "less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes.....sort of: " Got a good women - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Tucson is just depression baby. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You can't have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or shopping mail, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jail house
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Nordstroms
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. You're older than dirt
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a retirement plan or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a let up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Merlot
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. Also, the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for man:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer - you cannot sing the blues.
20. Dogs one can have if they want to sing the Blues:
a sooner dog
21. You cannot love the blues if you have one of these dogs:
afghan hound
any type of poodle
any type of terrier
shiz tsu
any type of poodle

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