Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Monday, July 31, 2006

275. Washington Post Invitational - Three

The Washington Post publishes yearly contest winners in which readers
supply alternate meanings for various words.
COFFEE: (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
FLABBERGASTED: (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE: (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
ESPLANADE: (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY: (adj.), impotent
NEGLIGENT: (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
LYMPH: (v.), to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE: (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
FLATULENCE: (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH: (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE: (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
RECTITUDE: (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
OYSTER (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with many
Yiddish expressions.
CIRCUMVENT: (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FRISBEETARIANISM: (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.
POKEMAN: (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

274. Washington Post Invitational - Two

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

BOZONE (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows littlesigns of breaking down in the near future.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only the things that are good for you.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
CATERPALLOR (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you are eating.
And the pick of the bunch -
INGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

273. Washington Post Invitational - One

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition.

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
BURGLESQUE: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
BUSTARD: A very rude Metrobus driver.
CARCINOMA: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
MARIONETTES: Residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
TATYR: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
BEELIZBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Friday, July 28, 2006

272. Washngton Post - Bad Analogy Contest

Bad Analogy Contest from the Washington Post July 23, 1995
The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.

3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington

And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat.
-- Jeffrey Carl, Richmond

Thursday, July 27, 2006

271. Set It Free

"If you love something set it free.
If it comes back it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it never was yours to begin with."
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and......
doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the
first place; you either married it or gave birth to it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

270. The Rules Of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories
are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that
a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you
can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen,
can you?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

269. Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent for those earning under one million dollars.

Average age of Floridians is now 105, new driving law requires they see above the steering wheel, and Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Monday, July 24, 2006

268. Questions & Answers

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: subordinate clauses
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: spoiled milk
Q: What do you get when you cress a snowman with a vampire?
A: frostbite
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: a nervous wreck
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: anyone can roast beef
Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: quatro sinko
Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, whack -- damn. A bad skydiver goes damn -- wack.
Q: What goes clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop?
A: an Amish drive by shooting
Q: How are Texas tornados and a Mississippi divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Sunday, July 23, 2006

267. No Football Player Left Behind

The federal government has announced that all high school football teams must meet "No Child left Behind" legislation beginning next season.

1. No team will be declared a winner, as that will leave 50% of
participants behind.
2. All high schools will be divided into districts with eight teams
per district. Every team must finish at least 3rd place to be proficient.
3. All teams must score at least 21 points, but no defense can
allow more than 7 points.
4. No tournaments will be held as this would result in one champion.
The BSC experimented with this concept this season in college football.
5. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the
championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on
probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held
accountable. In a recent experiment, the University of Nebraska
football program modeled this theory.
6. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at
the same time in the same conditions. No exceptions for interest in
football, desire in athletics, genetic abilities or disabilities ...
7. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without
instruction, because the coaches will be using all their instructional
time with the athletes that aren't interested in football, have limited
athletic ability, and whose parents don't like football.
8. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be
kept in 4th, 8th and 11th grades.
9. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to
have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.
If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

266. The Golden Telephone

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decides to write a book about churches
around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east
from there. He goes to a very large church and begins to taking pictures,
etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which
reads "$10,000.00 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor
answers that this golden telephone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven,
and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. He thanks the
pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee,
Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more
phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold,
he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads " Calls:
25 cents."
Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden
telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could
talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your
sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now.
It's a local call."


Friday, July 21, 2006

265. Montana Residency Appliction


Last Name: ________________
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
............(_) Billy-Bob
............(_) Billy-Joe
............(_) Billy-Ray
............(_) Billy-Sue
............(_) Billy-Mae
............(_) Billy-Jack

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

Thursday, July 20, 2006

264. The Perks Of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,”Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

263. Men, No Pity

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR: - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women..
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

262. So Much For Incognito

So Much For Incognito

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous", blonde wearing nothing but a thong came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Fathers.
Good morning, Fathers," nodding and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, barely wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Fathers," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer
and said, Just a minute young lady." "Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me. . .
Sister Mary Frances!"

Monday, July 17, 2006

261. The Genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into
the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets
him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls
out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into
the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in
front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by
Mozart. "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man
responds by reaching into the paper bag again but this time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub
The bartender rubs the lamp and, suddenly, there's a gust of smoke.
Then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish," she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie.
He had always dreamed about it but now it's actually happening.
Without even hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks."
The genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke.
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"I know," says the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch

Saturday, July 15, 2006

260. New Words For Your Vocabulary

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere):

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in
a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are
Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap! out
of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
Message"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm.

Friday, July 14, 2006

259. Signs You Are Trailer Trash

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.
14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

258. France - A Travel Advisory

Vive la France... A Travel Advisory (2002)

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travelers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are Champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air-conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak will shout English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing in line. The French are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, aloof, arrogant and undisciplined; and these are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholics, though you would hardly guess it by their behavior.
Many people are communists and topless bathing is common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised from time to time the country is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
France was created by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.
For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
The French language is a corrupt Roman provincial dialect
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members consist of Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President is now someone called Jacques.
Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why.
All their songs sound the same and they've hardly ever made a movie that you'd want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, for an evening with a French family.)
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as the Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
France has a very large and diversified economy; second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because French people hardly work at all. If they're not spending four hours dawdling over they're lunch, they're on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, Champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among it's 361 national holidays are 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation days, 16 Declaration of Republic days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph (as if he the War Single-Handed Instead of Running Away) days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile days, 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish days. Other important days are National Nuclear Bomb day, the Feast of Saint Brigitte Bardot, and National Guillotine day.
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it isn't Germany.
A Word of Warning
The Consular services of the United States Government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation.
In the event that you are a victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least a loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5:15 am and 5:20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a Consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays in Miami Beach between hurricanes and you are advised to do so as well.
Bon Chance.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

257. Sunday Church Bells

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...Upon
hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to
her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort
her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Monday, July 10, 2006

256. Deep Thoughts

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
paper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important until you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and they're barefoot.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug...some days the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side and a light side and it
holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning anything much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet, hungry and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

255. Signs You Live In........

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and
he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

254. Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
10. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
12. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
13. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
14. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
15. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
16. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

17: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

253. Signs You Are A Southern Baptist

You Could Be a Southern Baptist If....

1. You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.

2. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

3. You have never put an IOU in the collection plate.

4. You think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

5. You think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.

6. You clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

7. You judge the quality of a service by its duration.

8. You also judge the quality of the sermon by how much sweat the preacher worked up.

9. You think the Holy Land is Nashville.

10. You are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy but not old enough to be promoted into the senior adult Sunday School Class.

11. You think someone who says "amen" while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.

12. You complained because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

13. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

14. The first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."

15. You think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.

16. Your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.

17. You wonder if Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will ever be paid off.

18. You honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

19. You think worship service music has to be loud.

20. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

21. You think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.

22. You once woke up craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

252. Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken”.

Monday, July 03, 2006


To All If Any (good blog title)
I am getting bored sending these email jokes out, if there
is anyone out there who would like me to continue them please
send an email to: bookgleaner@aol.com

250. Notice Of Revocation Of Independence

To the citizens of the territories formerly known as
the United States of America.

In the light of your recent failure to elect a President of the USA
who knows how to govern your democracy, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP) will appoint a minister for America further elections will be abolished. The Congress and the Senate is herby disbanded, most people will not notice.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The use of "US English" is herby abolished. Microsoft has been notified of the change and be required to issue an immediate software update

2. All citizens will be required to raise vocabulary to acceptable levels

3. All citizens will learn to distinguish the English, Australian, Irish, Scot and Welsh accents.

4. All citizens will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

5. What has been referred to as American "football" is herby abolished.

6. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
15th will be a new national holiday, It will be called "Indecisive Day."

7. A copy of the Oxford English Dictionary will be distributed, each will be required to look up "aluminium" and learn how to pronounce it properly.

8. All American cars are hereby banned and should be surrendered to the nearest scrap yard for disposal. Tiny European cars will be issued as replacements with the steering wheel on the correct side of the vehicle.

9. Effective immediately all road signs will be replaced to reflect new regulations for driving on the proper side of the roadway.

10. All Citizens are herby required to learn geography and to acknowledge the territories formerly known as the United States of America as a British Crown Dependency.

Cheerio and God Bless the Queen!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

249. Ethnic Jokes

A Few Ethnic Items Guarented to Offend Everyone
1. What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
3. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
4. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
5. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
6. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
7. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.....

Saturday, July 01, 2006

248. The Study Of Economics


Economics is:
- the only subject in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing;
- a study that shows why the best time to buy anything was last year.

An economist is an expert who:
- doesn't know what s/he is talking about, but makes you feel that it is your fault;
- knows the price of everything and the value of nothing;
- is too smart for his/her good, but is not smart enough for anyone else's;
- will know tomorrow why the things that s/he predicted yesterday did not happen today;
- someone who sees something working in practice, and asks whether it will work in principle.

Some Basic Laws of Economics
First : For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
Second : They are both wrong.
Third : An acceptable level of unemployment means that the economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Fourth: Economics is a very useful form of employment for an economist.
Fifth: To err is human, but if you really want to mess it up, get a computer.

Ten Good Reasons to Study Economics
1. Economists are armed and dangerous; "Watch for their invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply on demand.
3. When you are in the employment queue, at least you know why you are there.
4. When you get drunk, you can tell your colleagues that you are just researching the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility.
5. You can talk about money without ever having made any.
6. Economists do it with models.
7. If you arrange the letters in Economics, you get "Comic Nose".
8. When you call a Chat Line and get Candy Keynes, you will always have something to talk about.
9. Economists do it risk-free, and in an Edgeworth Box cyclically.
10. You can say "trickle down effect" and keep a straight face - and your job!

FAQs( frequently asked questions)
Q. If two economists were out walking, how would you recognize the econometrician?
A. He's the one walking randomly.
Q. What do economists and computers have in common?
A. You have to punch information into them.
Q. How did the French Revolution affected world economic growth?
A. Too early to say.
Q. What does an economist do?
A. Not a lot in the short-run, which means nothing in the long-run.
Q. Why were economists created?
A. To make weather forecasters look good.
Q. Why was astrology invented?
A. So that Economics could be an accurate science.
Q. Why don't sharks attack economists?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A. An offer that you can't understand.
Q. What is the difference between Economics and DoubleDutch?
A. DoubleDutch is incomprehensible, Economics just doesn't make sense.

Ten "Light Bulb" jokes (always a dependable stand-by)
1. Q. How many market economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, because:
- if it needed to be changed, market forces would have already caused it to happen;
- the outlook's getting better! It's definitely getting better!!
- they are all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium;
- the darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
2. Q. How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It all depends on the wage-rate.
3. Q. How many Keynesian economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. All. You increase employment, boost consumption, shift the AD ( Aggregate Demand) curve to the right......
4. Q. How many Marxist economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, because it contains within itself the seeds of its own destruction.
5. Q. How many Economics PhD students does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I'm writing my thesis on that topic, and I should have an answer in approximately three years time.
6. Q. How does an economist estimate GDP at constant cost?
A. Deflator mouse
7. Q. How many microeconomists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. All. One to screw it in and the rest to hold everything else constant.
8. Q. How many game-theory economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but it really gets screwed.
9. Q. How many academic economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A whole department, and that's just to prepare the research grant.
10. Given a sample of 100 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 90 empirical economists attempting to determine which theory is the correct one, and everyone will still be in the dark.

Jokes ( just the old fashion kind )
A party of businessmen were flying in a balloon. The wind was quite strong, they were blown off-course and had no idea were they were. The pilot came down to 20 feet above ground and asked a passing hiker where they were. "You are in a balloon," he replied. The pilot said ," that answer is perfectly accurate, but absolutely useless. You must be an economist." "Then you are businessmen," the hiker replied. "That's right! How did you know?" "You have such a good view from where you are, and you still don't know where you are."

Two academic economists were returning home from a conference. As usual, they occupied the cheapest seats and were sitting in the center seats on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion about the papers read at the conference during take-off and through the meal service. Eventually, one of the passengers in the aisle seat offered to change places so that they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion had ever kept anyone awake.

(A supply side joke) A traveler visiting an island inhabited entirely by cannibals came across a butcher's shop. The sign outside read: Artists' brains, $2/lb; Philosophers' brains, $3/lb; Scientists brains, $4/lb; Economists' brains, $5/lb. The traveler went into the shop and said, "those economists' brains must be very popular." To which the butcher replied, "are you joking? Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

An academic economist died and went to heaven (honestly!). There were millions ahead of him in the queue. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk beside the gate and came down the long line to greet him most warmly. He was taken to the front and into comfortable armchair. The economist said, "I am enjoying all this attention, but what makes me so special?" "Well," said St. Peter, " I've added up all the hours which you have claimed in your Appraisals to have worked and, by my calculations, you must be 184 years of age!"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a practical economist and a drunk are walking down the street together when they spy a $50 bill. Who gets it?
The drunk, obviously; the other three are imaginary figures.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets (they could count to three) and economists only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. Hovewer when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. Conductor noticing that somebody is in the restroom knocked at the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy - they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the restroom, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why?
The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

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