256. Deep Thoughts

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
paper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important until you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and they're barefoot.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug...some days the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side and a light side and it
holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning anything much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet, hungry and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.