267. No Football Player Left Behind

The federal government has announced that all high school football teams must meet "No Child left Behind" legislation beginning next season.

1. No team will be declared a winner, as that will leave 50% of
participants behind.
2. All high schools will be divided into districts with eight teams
per district. Every team must finish at least 3rd place to be proficient.
3. All teams must score at least 21 points, but no defense can
allow more than 7 points.
4. No tournaments will be held as this would result in one champion.
The BSC experimented with this concept this season in college football.
5. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the
championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on
probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held
accountable. In a recent experiment, the University of Nebraska
football program modeled this theory.
6. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at
the same time in the same conditions. No exceptions for interest in
football, desire in athletics, genetic abilities or disabilities ...
ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.
7. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without
instruction, because the coaches will be using all their instructional
time with the athletes that aren't interested in football, have limited
athletic ability, and whose parents don't like football.
8. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be
kept in 4th, 8th and 11th grades.
9. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to
have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals.
If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.