218. Pearls of Wisdom From Britain

International relations:
The Scots pray on their knees on Sunday and on their neighbours the rest of the week.
The Welsh keep the sabbath and anything else they can get their hands on.
The Irish don't know what they believe in but will fight to the death for it.
The English claim to be self made men which relieves the Almighty of a horrid responsibility.

One Italian is a Latin lover.
Two Italians generate confusion.
Three Italians form four political parties.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.

Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself,
lets you forget it.
No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.
Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side of other people's troubles?

217. Thoughts For The Day

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

216. A Cornucopia of Postulations

1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. Life is sexually transmitted.
5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
6. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. Get the last word in: Apologize.
8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
9. Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
11. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
12. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
13. Why does a slight tax increase cost you several hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you a buck fifty?
14. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
15. Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
16. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
17. You've got to realize, life is an addiction.

215. Sexual Old Couple

An older couple went to the doctors office together. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you >trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

214. New Scientific Developments

New Scientific Developments
These are supposedly responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine. Strangely, these scientific developments were never considered by the Nobel Committee.

Antigravity
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. It is proposed to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Rednecks & Braille
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

Why Yawning Is Contagious
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

Effects of Deforestation
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Why the Earth rotates
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

How to make your car go faster
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The Constant Consonant Theorem
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

213. Sage Advice from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes from him:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

AND -- ABOUT GROWING OLDER.......

First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third , Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth, You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth, Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

212. Why Men Are Happier Than Women

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in
45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

211. Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

210. See What You Missed

FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT AROUND IN 1957 SEE WHAT YOU MISSED!!!
Remember this?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

–––––"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
–––––"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
–––––"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
––––"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
––––"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
––––"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
––––"Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
––––"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
––––"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
––––"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
––––"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
––––"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
––––"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
––––"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
––––"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
––––"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
––––"No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
I sure do remember all this stuff. Do I hear??????
"OVER THE HILL?"

209. Old Age

— Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) In America, the young are always ready to give those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
— George Burns (1896-1996) By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
—Woody Allen (1935- ) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.
— Ted Williams (1918-2002) By the time you know what to do, you're too old to do it.
— Casey Stengel (1890-1975) There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
— Woody Allen (1935- ) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
— Muhammad Ali (1942- ) A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
––Lowell Thomas (1892-1981) After the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else.

208. Vagaries of the english Language

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

207. Leximania Two

Leximania: A compulsive Desire To Invent New Words

Aginda .......... a pre-conference drink
llitterate ........ said of people who care about litter
Illitterate ,,,,,,, said of people who do not care about litter
Polygrouch ..... someone who complains about everything
Kellogulation ... what happens to your breakfast cereal when you are called away be a 15-minute phone call, just after you poured milk into it
Hicgap .......... the time that elapses between when hiccups go away and when you suddenly realize that they are gone
Bagonize ........ to wait anxiously for your suitcase to appear on the baggage carousel

206. Taking A Shower, Women vs. Men

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth
behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

205. Building Noah's Ark In America

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord, "begged Noah," but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-cards status of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish the Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "you mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

204. Signs You Live In Southern California

You know you live in SO-CAL when::::::::

1. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
2. You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
3. You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell
4. You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
5. You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you know damn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there.
6. Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes."
7. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
8. In the "winter," you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
9. You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
10. If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.
11. Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
12. You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.
13. You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
14. You really can never be too rich or too thin or too tan.
15. You've partied in Tijuana at least 3 times ... You don't remember at least 1 of them.
16. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
17. You eat pineapple on pizza.
18. Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.
19. You think that Venice is a beach.
20. The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
21. You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.
22. You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "714." Nobody likes anyone the "909" because it stinks there.
23. You call 911 and they put you on hold.
24. You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
25. The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.
26. You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill".It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason
27. You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will; find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.
28. You know what "sigalert," "PCH," and "the five" mean.
29. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?
30. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"
31. The Terminator is your governor.
32. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California.

203. Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial
tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the
Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

202. Decoding Women's Personal Ads

40-ish..................... 49
Adventurous................ Slept with everyone
Athletic................... No tits
Average looking............ Moooo
Beautiful.................. Pathological liar
Buxom...................... Fat
Emotionally secure......... On medication
Feminist................... Fat
Free spirit................ Junkie
Friendship first........... Former slut
New-Age.................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............. No BJs
Open-minded................ Desperate
Outgoing................... Loud and Embarrassing
Professional............... Bitch
Voluptuous................. Very Fat
Large frame................ Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............ Stalker

A WOMAN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = you’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead = you better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am pissed, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

A MAN’S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice boobs!
I love you = let’s have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

201. Newspaper Headlines In The Year 2035

1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
3. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
4. Baby conceived naturally ..... Scientists stumped.
5. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
6. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
7. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
8. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
9. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
10. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
11. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
12. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
13. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
14. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
15. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
16. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
17. Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
18. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
19. Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
20. Couple petitions court to reinstate Heterosexual marriage.
21. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
22. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
23. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
24. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
25. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
26. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
27. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
28. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
29. Supreme Court rules that punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

200. Is Hell Exothermic

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

Of course, the corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven...thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh My God."

This student received the only "A" in the class.

199. How To Tell Where Drivers Are From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO.
2. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
3. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
8. One hand on 12 oz double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing beer can out the window: TEXAS.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

198. What Is Marketing?

People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a
party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at
you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I,"
and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly
against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks
up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up
to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass.
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney
decides you were offended and files suit.
That's America

197. Hillbilly Medical Terms

Bacteria .......... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium ............ What you do with dead folks.
Cauterize ......... Made eye contact with her.
Coma .............. A punctuation mark.
D&C ............... Where Washington is.
Dilate ............ To live longer than your kids do.
Enema ............. Not a friend.
Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula ............ A small lie.
G.I. Series ....... World Series of military baseball.
Impotent .......... Distinguished, well known.
Morbid ............ A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates .......... Cheaper than day rates.
Node .............. I knew it.
Outpatient ........ A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear ......... A fatherhood test.
Recovery Room ..... Place to do upholstery.
Secretion ......... Hiding something
Terminal Illness .. Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor ............. More than one.
Urine ............. Opposite of mine.
Varicose .......... Near by.

196. Conservative History Lesson

Division of the human family into two distinct groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would go to the beach and live on fish in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented by Man to get to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what became known as the "Conservative Movement".
Other men, who were weaker & less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide up the meat & the beer that the conservatives were providing.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer, (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting, revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, & group therapists are liberals. Liberals also invented the Designated Hitter Rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer & eat red meat & potatoes.Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside of gov't. Conservatives who own companies employ other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little, or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

195. Men's Rules of Life

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

These are our rules!
Please note...
these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1.Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1.Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1.If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1.If something we said can be interpreted two waysand one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

194. Why Men Are Happier Than Women

Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Weding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier

193. Short Story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible. The short story had to contain the
following three subjects:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.