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Thursday, May 04, 2006

196. Conservative History Lesson

Division of the human family into two distinct groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would go to the beach and live on fish in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented by Man to get to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what became known as the "Conservative Movement".
Other men, who were weaker & less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide up the meat & the beer that the conservatives were providing.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer, (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting, revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, & group therapists are liberals. Liberals also invented the Designated Hitter Rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer & eat red meat & potatoes.Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside of gov't. Conservatives who own companies employ other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little, or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

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