Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

135. Why Men Are Proud Of Themselves

1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without
thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might
become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day
before Christmas and in 45 minutes

Monday, February 27, 2006

134. Diet For Stress

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the day.
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in
thecandy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if
you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and not
part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of
breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if
you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream;
mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for
any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This
is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)


Sunday, February 26, 2006

133. New Job Interview Technique

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests,
Public Relations will suit him well.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

132. English Language Trivia

Useless, But Entertaining

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
3. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
4. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
5. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
6. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
7. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous:" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
8. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
9. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".
10. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
11. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
12. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters. This word is "therein," and the words within it are: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
13. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.
14. To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
15. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed
and hiccoughed."
16. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
17. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
Louise B. Andrew MD JD FACEP

Friday, February 24, 2006

131. School Test Results, Part 2

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and starting reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

130. School Test Results, Part 1

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

129. The Wisdom of Will Rogers

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
11. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
14. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
16. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

128. The Midwest Discovered

Copied from http://www.theonion.com/index.html

NEW YORK--A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced
Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land
mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest."

The Geological Survey team discovered the vast region while searching
for the fabled Midwest Passage, the mythical overland route passing
through the uncharted area between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.

"I long suspected something was there," said Franklin Eldred, a
Manhattan native and leader of the 200-man exploratory force. "I'd flown
between New York and L.A. on business many times, and the unusually long
duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some sort of large area
was being traversed, an area of unknown composition."

The Geological Survey explorers left the East Coast three weeks ago,
embarking on a perilous journey to the unknown. Not long after crossing
the Adirondack Mountains, Eldred and his team were blazing trails
through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn and wheat.

"Thus far we have discovered places known as Michigan, Minnesota and
Wisconsin," said Randall Zachary, chief navigator for the expedition.
"When translated from the local dialect into English, these words seem
to mean 'summer camp.'"

Eldred and the others were surprised to learn that the Midwest, whose
inhospitable environment was long believed to be incapable of supporting
human life, is indeed populated, albeit sparsely.

"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally heavy-set folk, clad
in plain, non-designer costumery," Eldred said. "They tend to live in
simple, one-story dwellings whose interiors are decorated with Hummels
and 'Bless This House' needlepoint wall-hangings. And though coarse and
unattractive, these simple people were rather friendly, offering us
quaint native fare such as 'hotdish' and 'casserole.'"

Though the Midwest territory is still largely unexplored, early
reports describe a region as backwards as it is vast. "Many of the basic
aspects of a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent," said Gina
Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist. "There is no theater to
speak of, and their knowledge of posh restaurants is sketchy at best.
Further, their agricentric lives seem to prevent them from pursuing high
fashion to any degree, and, as a result, their mode of dress is largely
restricted to sweatpants and sweatshirts, the women's being adorned with
hearts and teddy bears and the men's with college-football insignias."

Despite the Midwesterners' considerable cultural backwardness, some
say the establishment of relations with them is possible.

"Believe it or not, this region may have things to offer us," said
Jonathan Ogleby, a San Francisco-area marketing expert. "We could
construct an airport there, a place where New Yorkers could switch
planes on their way to California. We could stage revivals of old
Broadway musicals there. Perhaps we could even one day conduct trade
with the Midwesterners, offering them electronic devices in exchange for
meats and agriculture."

Others, however, are not so optimistic about future relations. "We
must remember that these people are not at all like us," Conde Nast
publisher and Manhattan socialite Lucille Randolph Snowdon said. "They
are crude and provincial, bewildered by our tall buildings and our art
galleries, our books and our coffee shops. For an L.A. resident to
attempt to interact with one of them as he or she would with, say, a
Bostonian is ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be able to
conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them about anything, save
perhaps television or 'the big game.'"

Monday, February 20, 2006

127. The Scuba Diving Accident

The day after a woman lost her husband in a scuba diving accident, she was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at her door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mrs. Page, but we have some information about your husband."
"Well, tell me!" the wife said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mrs. Segar said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you mam, but this morning we found your husband's body in the San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mrs Page, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, she asked, "But what's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled him up he had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on him." "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?!", Mrs. Page demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow morning."

126. Actual Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" Th doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked:
"Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," He answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked
"I can if I take two," he answered.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

125. Signs In Foreign Lands

These are allegedly genuine signs encountered by allegedly genuine tourists.

1. Tokyo Hotel: Please to bathe inside the tub.
2. Bucharest Hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret you wil be unbearable. .
3. Paris elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
6. Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
7. Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. .
8. Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
9. Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
10. Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
11. Japanese air conditioner: Cooles and Heates; if you want just condition
of warm in your room, please control yourself.
12. Tokyo car rental: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigour

Friday, February 17, 2006

124. Presidential Debate

For those who didn't have time to watch the last presidential debate,
this is a transcript that will give you a sense of the discussion.

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose.You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt.36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas statefairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

123. Signs Of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF WEAR
1. Your sweetie says, ‘Let's go upstairs and make love’
and you answer, ‘take your pick’
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
4. Getting a little action means you don't need to take any fiber today.
5. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
6. An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up to pee.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

122. Application For President of Argentina

SKETCHPAD?Quiere Ser Presidente de Argentina? Application for President of Argentina.
FORTUNE Monday, February 4, 2002
By Tim Carvell

Are You Management Material?
Large South American country looking for dynamic leader. Free room & board, medical/dental insurance, 401(k), lifetime pension. No previous experience required. Understanding of Spanish, global credit system a plus.
Call or write for application.

Oficina de Empleo Nacional de la Republica Argentina
Thank you for your interest in becoming president of Argentina! We're always on the lookout for new leaders--do you have what it takes? To find out, complete this application and send it in with a fee of 25 pesos. Actually, better make that 30 pesos. Or 50. Fifty pesos should do it, if you send this today.
1. How did you hear about the presidency of Argentina?
__Newspaper __Television __Friends __Part of raging mob outside presidential palace
2. Are you an Argentine citizen?
__Yes __No
3. If No, can you at least locate Argentina on a map?
__Yes __No
If No, did you at least see Evita?
__Yes __No
Patti LuPone was better in the part, wasn't she?
__Yes __No
4. Do you happen to have several billion dollars that you could give to our treasury?
__Yes __No
If Yes, please specify your sash size:
__S __M __L __XL
If No, do you at least have some sort of secret economic plan that can revive our economy?
__Yes __No
5. Your plan doesn't involve trading energy futures while concealing massive amounts of debt in off-the-books entities owned by various directors, does it? Because we had a guy in here last week who floated that plan, and frankly, it just seemed stupid to us.
__Yes __No
6. Have you ever been elected president in any other country?
__Yes __No
Please note: This is a yes or no question. We don't want to hear about the intricacies of ballot design, voting machines, or the electoral quirks of your country.
7. Do you have any experiences that might prepare you for the turmoil, upheaval, subterfuge, and stress of being president of Argentina?
__I was briefly a member of Destiny's Child. __No
8. How do you feel about being burned in effigy?
Please sign your name here.
(If you are under 18, your application for president of Argentina must also be signed by a parent or guardian.)
Please include a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

121. Teachers Evaluations

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.

Monday, February 13, 2006

120. Jewish Wise Women


They would have asked directions. Arrived on time. Helped deliver the baby. Hired someone to clean the stable. Made a brisket. And brought practical gifts.
And what would they have said to each other after they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?" "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" "Virgin? I knew her in school!" "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?" "I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job." "And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!" "We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."

Sunday, February 12, 2006

119. The Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

118. Success

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Friday, February 10, 2006

117. New State Language

The California Terminator Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The Terminator Governor conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics".)

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

116. Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

115. Signs You Live In ....

You know you live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and

You live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

114. The Perks Of Being Over 60

The Perks Of Being Over 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate weather predictors, than all the
meteorologists at the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
the either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Monday, February 06, 2006

113. Mental Health Hotline

"Hello,....and welcome to the mental health hotline......

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are Too busy to talk to you.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

112. Lexmania

Useful New Words

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

111. Church Bells

When hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Kathie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for
trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
"She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned
ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

110. Grizzly Alert

The California State Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra
precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear
unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of
bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and
possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and
smell like pepper spray

Friday, February 03, 2006

109. Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Thursday, February 02, 2006

108. Chickens & Roads Five

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I agree with George.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Out of custom and habit.

And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

If you have any more to add to this list please send them to bookgleaner@aol.com

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

107. Chickens & Roads Four

Chicken Crosses Road Update

-- Election 2000

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Contrary to claims being made by the Bush campaign, the chicken has not crossed the road. And, even if it has, it will not cross the road again.
What about the 19,000 chickens that were thrown out?
What about the 3,500 ducks that were mistaken for chickens?

Chicknes maybe need to cross the road, but I don't believe we
need to get the chicknes across the road. I say give the road to the chicknes and
let them decide. The govnerment needs to stop stranglinging the chickens
and then getting them across the road. My mom likes chickens.

I didn't mean to cross the road. Had I known I was crossing
the road, I wouldn't have done it. I didn't even know the road was
there. The sign was confusing and misleading. I demand my right not to
cross the road, and, if necessary, will sue.

For the good of the country and for the sake of our standing
in the world, the chicken should finish crossing the road for once
and for all, and the busines of an orderly transition to the other
side of the road should begin.

Because the arrow pointing across the road was misleading. It
was not the true and accurate will of the chicken. The chicken
should be taken back across the road and be allowed to make the
decision once again.

We've come to believe that there are serious and substantial
irregularities resulting from the road being crossed only in one county.

I received thousands of calls from chickens who were trying to cross the road, but who were stopped by road blocks set up by the white man. Thousands of others were forced to cross roads they had no intention of crossing by the white man. These chicken crossings do not pass the smell test. This is an unmistakable, unequivocal, unambiguous, and indisputable case of chicken discrimination and crossing fraud. We must have a federal investigation.

Chicken crossings are state problems.

I like chickens. I invented chickens. I was with the chicken
when it crossed the road. In 1974, long before any one else recognized the plight of chickens,I recognized their plight and began to fight for them. I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their
God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly
if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the

evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays
tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures
chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them.
Down with the roads; up with chickens.

That wasn't my chicken. I think it was Gore's.