Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

322. Talmud for Gentiles

From http://www.haruth.com/
Talmud for Gentiles

The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew.
There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean.
Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney.
One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"

Sunday, October 29, 2006

321. The Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

320. More Puns

A Great Pun Is Its Own Re-Word

1. Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a "peeping tome?"
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an "I" for an "I."
17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
19. A backwards poet writes inverse.
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
25. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium-at-large.
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
32. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Monday, October 23, 2006

319. Not Like Me

From http://www.haruth.com/

Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”
“Who’s Saul?” asks Max.
“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie, “now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I need something.”
“No one’s perfect,” says Max.
“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played football for the 49ers. Not like me — I’m just a couch potato.”
“So am I,” says Max.
“And,” says the cabbie, “Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I’ve got two left feet.”
“Sounds like Saul was really someone special,” says Max.
“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure.”
“Wow,” says Max, “there aren’t many men around like Saul.”
The cabbie continues. “And Saul knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on Shabbat dinner. Not like me. I’m always getting into arguments with my wife.”
“What an amazing person,” says Max. “How did you meet him?”
“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Max.
“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

318. Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top
of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes
take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Friday, October 13, 2006

317. Cullings III

Cullings III

Movie Sequels Nobody Wants To See:
Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back
Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity
Babe III: Great Bacon Recipes
Dumbo: First Blood
Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse
Lawrence of Bulgaria
Gone With The Wind II: Can Irritable Bowel Syndrome Cause Death?

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn:
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your true friends love you, anyway.

"Hell is being in heaven and not liking it." Bud Shrake
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.Today, it's called golf.

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

316. Cullings II

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Jewish proverb with universal application.
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

P.S. Do you know that the word ‘gullible’ doesn’t appear in every English dictionary? Do you have one of the rare dictionaries that include this word?

She's Lying If You Hear...
It happens to all men.
Size doesn't matter
Great, I'd love to hang out with your mother.
Don't be silly. I like taking the bus.

What's the difference between the Soviet Constitution and the United States Constitution?
The Soviet Constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of gathering. The American Constitution guarantees freedom after speech and freedom after gathering.

America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

Some Differences Between Men And Women...
When the bill arrives the four men will each throw in $20 even if the bill is nowhere near that amount....none of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want any change back. When the girls get the bill out comes the pocket calculator.

A man has six items in his bathroom..... a tooth brush, a comb, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap and a towel he stole from the :"Holiday Inn." The average number of items a typical woman has in her bathroom is 337. However she is ever ready for any emergency that may arise.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no point in two people remembering the same thing.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

315. Cullings I

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. Herb Caen

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Sam Levenson

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. GBS

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. Russell Lynes

We all have the strength to endure the misfortunes of others. La Rochefoucauld

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. Judith Martin

It takes ten years to get used to how old you are.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orben

Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis. Garrison Keillor

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? Ronnie Shakes

There are some extremely sharp investment advisors who can get you in at the bottom of the market. There are some extremely sharp ones who can get you out at the top.
They are never the same people.
Gary North

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Friday, October 06, 2006

314. Blonde And Dummy

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,
he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching our
full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discriminating against not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit
on your knee."

Monday, October 02, 2006

313. Washington Post, Bad Advice, #673

673. Washington Post Invitational, Bad Advice to Immigrants (Selected)

Those silver or white bidets in office hallways are available for either sex to use. Shorter people can use the lower ones. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg)

If you're not sure exactly what someone said to you in English, it's always polite to respond, "That's so gay" or "God, that's retarded." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Stand at a freeway on-ramp with a handwritten sign that says, "Will work for green card." (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)

During the Pledge of Allegiance, place your right hand either over your heart or under your armpit. If you choose the latter, after the words "and justice," pause to punctuate the Pledge with a patriotic toot. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Looking for a nice park where you can spread out a picnic blanket? In the U.S.A., we call that "scoring grass" -- just ask any policeman where's the closest place to score some. (G. Smith, Reston)

It's not posted, but in Washington, D.C., there's always free parking on a "state" avenue if your car has a license plate from that state. They don't publicize that so that Maryland and Virginia avenues don't get too crowded. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If you make a down-and-up "check" motion with your finger, the waitress will bring your bill. And if you stand up, wave one arm and grab your crotch with the other, she will show you to the restroom. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

When you select a name for your bogus ID card, use "Lou Dobbs," a common name in the U.S. that no one will notice. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

They may not taste good or seem filling, but you really should eat all your food stamps every month. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

To make sure he doesn't spread germs in a public place, such as a bank, a man suffering from a runny nose customarily wears a bandanna over the lower half of his face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Make sure there aren't any ink blots on the letter you send your new congressman: Dust it with talcum powder or flour before you send it. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

If you're unfamiliar with Washington's Metrorail system, make sure you take your first ride during rush hour. That way there are sure to be hundreds of people who can help you figure out how to use the Farecard machine and turnstile. (Lois Bangiolo, Gaithersburg)

To pay the bill in a restaurant, stand, face the waiter, count out loud the exact amount, and then add two pennies, preferably shiny new ones. (Drew Bennett)

British visitors should remind the former colonists how much they've missed by being isolated from Britain and the Continent, not to mention how they've bastardized the language. And don't forget to comment upon their odd names. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

White people will be offended unless you address them as "Mister Cracker Sir." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Using indoor plumbing every single time just makes you look uppity. (Russell Beland)

Americans are very friendly. Always say hello and shake hands with the man at the urinal next to you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

When asked if you have anything to declare, wink at the customs officer. If he does not respond, wink again. Continue to wink until someone allows you to pass. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville)

As a foreigner, you should carry handy maps of several major U.S. cities. Be sure to circle any interesting buildings, tunnels, etc., that you want to see, and print out from the Internet as much detailed information about them as you can. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

America is a very fast-paced society, so you must drive even faster than you do at home. The fastest drivers are cheered on with noisemakers and flashing lights. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

American farms are all pick-your-own, so just drive in and dive in! This includes beef and dairy farms. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

If you disapprove of the war in Iraq, protest it by burning your green card. (Ned Andrews, Charlottesville)

Your country probably has a deep, abiding passion for that goofy sport where people run around kicking a ball and nothing happens. So do we! So come on, talk about it with us all day long -- we just can't get enough! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

You see those guys with "Minutemen" on their shirts? That means they're more than happy to give you a minute of their time. Just go up to them, tell them you've just crossed the border and say, "I'd like you to help me out." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel; Jay Shuck)

Remember when flying in the States to bring your own cutlery for the sumptuous airline meal. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

At sporting events, you're allowed to stone people who do the wave. Please. (Russell Beland)

To meet your neighbors, it is customary to play very loud music starting around 8 p.m. on Sunday, but don't be surprised if they don't start coming over until after midnight. (Drew Bennett)

And Last: A good way to fit in is to wear these super-trendy T-shirts with "Loser" written on them. You don't see many because most people can't afford them, but I'll let you have one for just 50 bucks. (Russell Beland)