313. Washington Post, Bad Advice, #673

673. Washington Post Invitational, Bad Advice to Immigrants (Selected)

Those silver or white bidets in office hallways are available for either sex to use. Shorter people can use the lower ones. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg)

If you're not sure exactly what someone said to you in English, it's always polite to respond, "That's so gay" or "God, that's retarded." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Stand at a freeway on-ramp with a handwritten sign that says, "Will work for green card." (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)

During the Pledge of Allegiance, place your right hand either over your heart or under your armpit. If you choose the latter, after the words "and justice," pause to punctuate the Pledge with a patriotic toot. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Looking for a nice park where you can spread out a picnic blanket? In the U.S.A., we call that "scoring grass" -- just ask any policeman where's the closest place to score some. (G. Smith, Reston)

It's not posted, but in Washington, D.C., there's always free parking on a "state" avenue if your car has a license plate from that state. They don't publicize that so that Maryland and Virginia avenues don't get too crowded. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If you make a down-and-up "check" motion with your finger, the waitress will bring your bill. And if you stand up, wave one arm and grab your crotch with the other, she will show you to the restroom. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

When you select a name for your bogus ID card, use "Lou Dobbs," a common name in the U.S. that no one will notice. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

They may not taste good or seem filling, but you really should eat all your food stamps every month. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

To make sure he doesn't spread germs in a public place, such as a bank, a man suffering from a runny nose customarily wears a bandanna over the lower half of his face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Make sure there aren't any ink blots on the letter you send your new congressman: Dust it with talcum powder or flour before you send it. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

If you're unfamiliar with Washington's Metrorail system, make sure you take your first ride during rush hour. That way there are sure to be hundreds of people who can help you figure out how to use the Farecard machine and turnstile. (Lois Bangiolo, Gaithersburg)

To pay the bill in a restaurant, stand, face the waiter, count out loud the exact amount, and then add two pennies, preferably shiny new ones. (Drew Bennett)

British visitors should remind the former colonists how much they've missed by being isolated from Britain and the Continent, not to mention how they've bastardized the language. And don't forget to comment upon their odd names. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

White people will be offended unless you address them as "Mister Cracker Sir." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Using indoor plumbing every single time just makes you look uppity. (Russell Beland)

Americans are very friendly. Always say hello and shake hands with the man at the urinal next to you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

When asked if you have anything to declare, wink at the customs officer. If he does not respond, wink again. Continue to wink until someone allows you to pass. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville)

As a foreigner, you should carry handy maps of several major U.S. cities. Be sure to circle any interesting buildings, tunnels, etc., that you want to see, and print out from the Internet as much detailed information about them as you can. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

America is a very fast-paced society, so you must drive even faster than you do at home. The fastest drivers are cheered on with noisemakers and flashing lights. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

American farms are all pick-your-own, so just drive in and dive in! This includes beef and dairy farms. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

If you disapprove of the war in Iraq, protest it by burning your green card. (Ned Andrews, Charlottesville)

Your country probably has a deep, abiding passion for that goofy sport where people run around kicking a ball and nothing happens. So do we! So come on, talk about it with us all day long -- we just can't get enough! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

You see those guys with "Minutemen" on their shirts? That means they're more than happy to give you a minute of their time. Just go up to them, tell them you've just crossed the border and say, "I'd like you to help me out." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel; Jay Shuck)

Remember when flying in the States to bring your own cutlery for the sumptuous airline meal. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

At sporting events, you're allowed to stone people who do the wave. Please. (Russell Beland)

To meet your neighbors, it is customary to play very loud music starting around 8 p.m. on Sunday, but don't be surprised if they don't start coming over until after midnight. (Drew Bennett)

And Last: A good way to fit in is to wear these super-trendy T-shirts with "Loser" written on them. You don't see many because most people can't afford them, but I'll let you have one for just 50 bucks. (Russell Beland)