Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Monday, January 28, 2008

368. Washington Post Invitational #745

In which we asked for "life lessons" that might be learned at any of four venues or situations we specified:

On the pot: It's only when you get to the end of the roll that you realize just how little toilet paper you really need. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

From watching a presidential campaign debate: You ask what life lessons can be derived from watching a presidential campaign debate? That's a very good question. As my father, who worked 37 years in a textile mill, once said . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington)

From watching a presidential campaign debate: "No Interest Till 2008" isn't just for Big Marty's Mattress Warehouse anymore. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

On the pot: Floor tile installers must all be Nazis -- why else would I keep seeing so many ways to form swastikas? (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

At the grocery store: Fruit-and-vegetable shoppers can be really rude, especially toward jugglers. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

At the grocery store: Somebody must be buying the moldy brown celery, or else why would Safeway keep stocking it? (Brendan Beary)

At the grocery store: "15 items or fewer" is a surprisingly fluid concept, totally dependent on whether they are your items or the items of the person in front of you. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

At the grocery store: If you use a 50-cent coupon for some overpriced, awful thing you never heard of, you save 50 cents! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

At the grocery store: When you get in the express line with too many items, it doesn't help much to explain that you have to hurry because you're illegally parked in a handicapped spot. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

At the grocery store: The manager should know by now I don't think this is a "liberry or sumpin," yet every Saturday when I open The Post to this page, he'll come over and ask me. (Brendan Beary)

At the grocery store: The less clothing the 17-year-old girl in front of you in line is wearing, the less likely it is that the 20-year-old male cashier is going to card her for those wine coolers. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

At the grocery store: If a recipe for that evening's dinner party calls for n ingredients, there will always be n-1 in stock. (Jack Sheehan, Eden Prairie, Minn.)

At the DMV: There's no excuse for being rude, unless you are a seething caldron of bitterness and despair. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

At the DMV: DMV clerks have no sense of humor. You read Line 5 on the eye test chart as "U R A P I G" and they won't even give you a second chance. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

At the DMV: The DMV single-handedly supports the Next Counter sign industry. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A single bad-hair day can carry a five-year sentence. (Jay Shuck)

There are an infinite number of ways to pronounce foreigners' names, apparently none of them recognizable to the holders of those names. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

From having the flu: If you stay in bed in the fetal position for more than three days, the kids WILL learn how to pour their own bowl of cereal. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

From having the flu: Barbara Walters looks about 250 years old in high-definition. (Jeff Brechlin)

From having the flu: Kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves is not unlike sitting in front of a computer trying to think of a joke about kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves. (Brendan Beary)

From having the flu: Six degrees of separation is a lot when it's between 98.6 and 104.6. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

From having the flu: The human body can actually output more than it inputs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

From having the flu: Chicken soup looks the same going down and coming up. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

From watching a presidential campaign debate:
It's actually possible to make six guys in blue suits, all saying the same vacuous things for two straight hours, seem boring. (Russell Beland)

All the candidates must have remarkable ventriloquism skill, as they all appear to be talking out of their mouths. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

If you can't say something nice about someone, compensate by saying bad stuff over and over. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

A "question" is a brief interruption before the candidate continues saying what he had planned to say. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Nixon's starting to look pretty good. (Peter Metrinko)

On the pot: There exists an almost metaphysical relationship between the toilet seat and the doorbell. (Bob Dalton)

You really do know all 50 states and their capitals. ( Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The guy in the next stall almost never wants to do knock-knock jokes. (Jeff Brechlin)

Having yellow-stained fungus-encrusted toenails doesn't make you a bad person. (Bob Dalton)

The worst bars have the best graffiti. (Tom Witte)

Only loose shoes are overrated. (Kevin Dopart)

There's at least one person out there willing to let my phone ring twenty-seven times. (Russell Beland)

Another smell you can't cover up in a public stall is permanent Magic Marker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

On vacation here, I've discovered I don't know squat. (Larry Yungk, up-country Thailand)

And Last:

From watching a presidential campaign debate on the pot due to having the flu: This may be hell -- but at least I'm not at the DMV. (Russ Taylor)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

367. Humour - Odds & Ends

What's the difference between Europeans and Americans?
Europeans think one hundred miles is a long distance, and Americans think one hundred years is a long time.

On an American Indian's T-shirt "Fighting Terrorism Since 1492"

Sign on front door. "Please, I need all the junk mail you can spare, thank you"

Question to Christopher Dodd: "Do you think americans have a right to know about a candidates personal life?"
Dodd: "Well, look, what's that great line? There's no such thing as a saint without a past and a sinner without a future."

From a recent New York Magazine article.
The Catastrophist View, By Duff McDonald. Oct 28, 2007
The bulls will tell you that foreign governments understand the American economy is the key to global economic health, and that they’ll suck it up and take it when we devalue their debt. To which Schiff offers another analogy. Imagine if five people were washed up on a desert island: four Asians and an American. In splitting up their duties, one Asian says he’ll fish; another will hunt, another will look for firewood, and another will cook. The American assigns himself the job of eating.

Monday, January 14, 2008

366. Best Bumper Stickers of 2007

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10 Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow jobs Anymore
11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

Friday, January 11, 2008

365. You know you're a loser when . . .

From the Washington Post Invitational Report From Week 740
"You know you're a loser when . . . ."

When you said you could lick any man in the bar, you hadn't realized what kind of bar you were in. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

While you're haranguing the U.N. General Assembly about the superiority of your country's economic system, the sole falls off the shoe you are gesturing with. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Your girlfriend will sleep with you only if you're asleep first. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

The entire office building where you run the pastry concession was just leased to Elite Model Agency. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

In your boxing match, you throw a punch and knock your IV bottle off the pole. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

The only place you can play hide-and-seek anymore is in old-growth forests. (Erica Hartman, Wilmington)

The marriage counselor asks your wife to dinner. (Mike Pool, Vienna)

Your job interviewer gets up to go to the bathroom but says, "I'll be back. Just keep talking." (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Your dentist says, "Just hold on to this while I look something up . . ." (Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Your obstetrician asks the nurse to hand her the can of WD-40. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

At the Christmas pageant you're directing at your church, the back of the Virgin Mary's blouse is tucked into her thong. (Beth Baniszewski)

The members of the parole board seem to be staring at the swastika on your forehead. (Russell Beland)

At your 20-year high school reunion, your old boyfriend looks at you quizzically and asks, "Now, what did you teach?" (Drew Bennett)

The interviewer keeps telling you that her eyes are "up here." (Chuck Smith)

Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne)

The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"Sorry, Senator Dodd, the greenroom is for the candidates only." (Larry Schott)

You're running for president, and with the general election just 11 months away you realize there are still three farmers in Iowa and a diner waitress from New Hampshire you haven't even met! (Russell Beland)

Your art collection becomes suspect when someone points out that the counterman in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" is wearing an iPod. (Chuck Smith)

The loan officer wouldn't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski)

You get a thin envelope from Vanity Press Inc. with a form letter saying, "Your manuscript is not in line with our editorial standards." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Your plumber wears rubber boots.