Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, January 11, 2008

365. You know you're a loser when . . .

From the Washington Post Invitational Report From Week 740
"You know you're a loser when . . . ."

When you said you could lick any man in the bar, you hadn't realized what kind of bar you were in. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

While you're haranguing the U.N. General Assembly about the superiority of your country's economic system, the sole falls off the shoe you are gesturing with. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Your girlfriend will sleep with you only if you're asleep first. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

The entire office building where you run the pastry concession was just leased to Elite Model Agency. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

In your boxing match, you throw a punch and knock your IV bottle off the pole. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

The only place you can play hide-and-seek anymore is in old-growth forests. (Erica Hartman, Wilmington)

The marriage counselor asks your wife to dinner. (Mike Pool, Vienna)

Your job interviewer gets up to go to the bathroom but says, "I'll be back. Just keep talking." (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Your dentist says, "Just hold on to this while I look something up . . ." (Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Your obstetrician asks the nurse to hand her the can of WD-40. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

At the Christmas pageant you're directing at your church, the back of the Virgin Mary's blouse is tucked into her thong. (Beth Baniszewski)

The members of the parole board seem to be staring at the swastika on your forehead. (Russell Beland)

At your 20-year high school reunion, your old boyfriend looks at you quizzically and asks, "Now, what did you teach?" (Drew Bennett)

The interviewer keeps telling you that her eyes are "up here." (Chuck Smith)

Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne)

The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"Sorry, Senator Dodd, the greenroom is for the candidates only." (Larry Schott)

You're running for president, and with the general election just 11 months away you realize there are still three farmers in Iowa and a diner waitress from New Hampshire you haven't even met! (Russell Beland)

Your art collection becomes suspect when someone points out that the counterman in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" is wearing an iPod. (Chuck Smith)

The loan officer wouldn't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski)

You get a thin envelope from Vanity Press Inc. with a form letter saying, "Your manuscript is not in line with our editorial standards." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Your plumber wears rubber boots.


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