Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

349. Mark Twain & H. L. Mencken Quotes

Selections from Bibliotopia
Some Mark Twain Quotes
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
All you need in life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Beware of reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Some H. L. Mencken Quotes
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed ( and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

348. State Mottos SHOULD Be

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: Dela-where?
District of Columbia: Wanna Be Mayor?
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

Friday, June 08, 2007

347. Epitaphs on Old Tombstones

Epitaphs on Old Tombstones

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.

n a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the
fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.