Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Friday, March 28, 2008

378. Washington Post Invitational, week 748

Our annual contest in which we seek poems about those who died in the previous year:

Jerry Falwell:
Not for being greatly good --
Not because he knew he would --
Jerry Falwell's gone above,
Unto his Creator's love,
Spending every night and day
With angels black and angels gay.
God our Father knows us all well;
Knows what's Hell for Jerry Falwell.
( David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Lady Bird Johnson:
Jackie's successor, a rather plain dresser,
Was viewed by the press as much duller.
For Lady Bird's way to enliven our day
Was for highways to sparkle with color.
A political wife, she spent most of her life
With a blind eye to what Hubby sinned in.
But on her ranch, though it slanted,
She successfully planted
Seven oak trees, four elms and one Lyndon.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Molly Ivins:
Enjoy a calm retirement, Dubya;
Molly's not around to "Shrub" ya. (David Smith)

Luciano Pavarotti:
At last Pavarotti is resting in peace.
He'd let himself go, and it showed.
Let's face it, the guy had become so obese,
He had his own aria code.
(Brendan Beary)

Phil Rizzuto:
For Scooter, the years have exacted their toll.
Now this Hall of Fame shortstop plays deep in the hole.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Wally Schirra:
Bravely flew through space to probe it;
Circled Earth, is now in obit.
Broke the bonds of life unhampered
And, you can be sure, un-Pampered.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Now Ike Turner's off the street;
They say he never missed a beat.
(Beverley Sharp)

When Helen Walton, 87,
Knocks upon the gates of Heaven,
Sam, her husband, not Saint Peter,
Stands inside to meet and greet her.
(Chris Doyle)

Leona Helmsley:
The Queen of Mean bought fine hotels,
Got taxing time in jailhouse cells.
Bought stuff to give the Palace charm.
Bought Trouble. Now she's bought the farm.
(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Higgledy piggledy
Evel Knievel, a
Vaulter of canyons, a
Dude with a past.
Switching mechanics and
Flying with Jesus, he
Jumped to conclusions:
Grounded at last.
(Coilin Owens, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)

Al Oerter, discus champion
Gold medals in Tokyo, Melbourne and Rome,
And Mexico City as well;
It seemed that for Al, the top platform was home;
He always found ways to excel.
The other competitors always looked sad
To nearby observant reporters;
It's not that their own throws were anything bad --
They only were following Oerter's.
(Brendan Beary)

Mstislav Rostropovich:
A whiz of a conductor and a master on the cello,
A caring friend who never put on airs, despite his fame.
There's just one nasty trait we can attribute to the fellow:
Sadistically insisting that we call him by his name.
(Brendan Beary)

Anna Nicole Smith:
The drugs, the dads, the tabloid press;
They all left Anna cold;
But she's still hot in Peter's Book
'Cause she's the centerfold.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Marcel Marceau and Washoe the chimp:
Two who uttered not a word
Last year got themselves interred.
Washoe couldn't "speak," although
He got on like Marcel Marceau.
Gestures and gesticulations
Were, for both, communications.
There's one distinction to impart:
Chimps are science, frogs are art.
(Brendan Beary)

Rex Humbard, Tammy Faye Bakker and Jerry Falwell (and Ike Turner, Kurt Waldheim and Leona Helmsley)
In Heaven just the other day,
The dear departed Tammy Faye
Ran into her old acquaintance Rex.
Said the former Mrs. Bakker,
"It's so nice to meet our Maker,
Though I'm quite bewildered and perplexed.
There's Ike Turner playing blues,
And Kurt Waldheim helping Jews,
Even Mrs. Helmsley being merry.
But I've inspected everywhere,
And I've found neither hide nor hair
Of our former colleague Reverend Jerry."
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

377. Why English Teachers Retire Early

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-emperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20 The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Monday, March 17, 2008

376. Washington Post Invitational, Week 749

Washington Post Invitational, Week 749

In which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words .

Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper.
(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day.
(Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)

Ballpark: An athletic supporter.
(Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones.
(Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)

Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Boron: A chem major at a party.
(Kevin Dopart)

Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family.
(Beverley Sharp)

Distribute: A nasty eulogy.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments.
(Paul Kocak)

Effrontery: The missionary position.
(Tom Witte)

Flaccid: Lousy LSD.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog.
(Duncan Seed)

Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration.
(Christopher Lamora)

Automated: Got lucky in the back seat.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bag ladies: What single gentlemen try to do.
(Christopher Lamora)

Direction: What Prince Charles had at least twice.
(Kevin Dopart)

Homogenized: What the religious right fears our youth will become if public schools teach tolerance toward gay people.
(Peter Metrinko)

Monday, March 10, 2008

375. Washington Post Initational - Week 747

Report From Week 747

In which we sought some amusing ways to improve the experience of airline travel. My, were you people bitter -- Heaven forbid that you are a fat person or a parent if you ever ride with these entrants. Numerous Losers suggested having the planes just travel on the ground; that passengers should get to vote people off the plane; potluck meals; and, for some reason, in-flight karaoke. Some people sent in ideas that were entirely too sensible, like one from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village that people without luggage should get to sit down first, or Steve Buttry's suggestion to change smoking lounges to cellphone lounges.

Have the first-class passengers board last, to spare the rest of us their smirks as we file in. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Parents with small children must wait to board the plane until after it has taken off. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

One of the few items arguably more irritating than sitting for an hour on the tarmac: It works for FedEx: Instead of this complicated network of city-to-city flights, just send everyone to a holding pen in Memphis, and then when there are enough passengers for a flight to, say, Yazoo City, just load up and send them out! While waiting, passengers in the pen could fold napkins or something. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Install removable tray tables. Then when the person in front of you reclines his seat to the supine position, you can place your tray, drinks and all, right on his face. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Install a timer that automatically pops open the bathroom door after three minutes of use. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Just take out that whole al-Qaeda cell of grannies with nail files and hand lotion and be done with it. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Serve the meals already in barf bags. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

Seat the smelly fat guys next to the screaming children: more space for the former, muffling the latter, and saving me from both. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia, a First Offender)

When the person in front of you reclines too far into your space, his entire seat snaps shut like a bear trap for the remainder of the flight. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Hire a second person to handle luggage at Dulles. (Steve Buttry, Herndon)

Cut down on restroom use by giving passengers a third of a can of soft drink instead of half a can. And the airlines might save another $10 a flight! (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In the spirit of paying people to give up their seats on overbooked flights, pay me for not buying a ticket in the first place. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

A free drink for everyone surrounding a crying baby; two free drinks for the baby. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Passengers are seated in sections based on personal appearance; you can use frequent-flier miles to upgrade from "Mildly Grotesque" to "Not Bad" or "Sorta Hot." (Jeff Brechlin)

Land the planes backward to reduce that lurching feeling in the seat. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Oxygen masks are so sterile and uninteresting -- we should get replicas of attractive celebrities that inflate and drop from the ceilings for us to press our lips against. If oxygen still came out, even better. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Allow infants and small children to relax during the flight inside specially padded and soundproofed overhead compartments in the rear of the plane. Water and food pellets can be provided as in guinea pig cages. (Roberta Wilkes, Seattle, a First Offender)

Install onboard vending machines, so the flight attendants can concentrate on flying the plane. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Attach a toilet to the front of the beverage cart that's blocking the aisle. (Ben Aronin, Washington; Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Award my mileage points on the basis of where my luggage travels. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Everyone submits a photo when booking. At check-in, for $50 you can switch from the seat next to the fat guy or the 2-year-old to the seat next to the cute girl. For $100, she can get away from you and sit next to the fat guy. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)

When passengers are trapped in a plane on the tarmac for more than five hours, they get to sell the plane and split the proceeds. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Create a no-frills airline called My Corporate Jet, so it sounds better when people ask how I got to the meeting. (Russ Taylor)

Tape baseball cards to the wheels so the plane makes a cool race car noise as it takes off. (Steve Langer)

Emergency slide Fridays! (Randy Lee, Burke)