Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Location: The City, On the edge

Friday, August 31, 2007

355. Male Sensitivity Test

Take the test and score yourself at the bottom!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. 'This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends.'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.'

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement b efore she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Friday, August 10, 2007

354. Mens Shopping Ages

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,
old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the
mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and
it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and
you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at
the front door went to school with you