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Friday, August 10, 2007

354. Mens Shopping Ages

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,
old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the
mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and
it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and
you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at
the front door went to school with you

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