Onward Bound Humor

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Friday, May 11, 2007

346. All Puns Intended

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who
you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove
that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

(11) Once upon a time there was a king, who, because fastidious in his habits, liked to see his subjects very well dressed. But as usual, as in most cities, there were always a few street people whom he could see from his royal window,
wandering around in disarray. Finally, he tired of this sartorial criminality, and decided to punish the worst culprit, who was summarily tarred, feathered, and driven out of town, with a sign posted on his chest,
"Let the Bannishment fit the Grime!"


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