Onward Bound Humor

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

352. Minnesotans

OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEM
When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he
immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going
down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police lineup.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

SWIM COMPETITION
A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French
woman came in first, the English woman second. The Norwegian woman
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls
used deir arms."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians
invented the hole in it.

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the
first Norwegian.
"Vell," said the other one, "at dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch
any more."

BAR RIDDLE
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian
on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he
said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer
it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't, then you buy ME one Okay?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my
brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.Who vas
it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian
went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a
game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't,
YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven. "Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious,"
said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was
Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.
One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole
reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened
tew our sex relations?" he asked.
"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a
card from dem last Christmas."

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

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