Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Friday, May 11, 2007

346. All Puns Intended

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who
you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove
that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

(11) Once upon a time there was a king, who, because fastidious in his habits, liked to see his subjects very well dressed. But as usual, as in most cities, there were always a few street people whom he could see from his royal window,
wandering around in disarray. Finally, he tired of this sartorial criminality, and decided to punish the worst culprit, who was summarily tarred, feathered, and driven out of town, with a sign posted on his chest,
"Let the Bannishment fit the Grime!"

Friday, May 04, 2007

345. Retirement


If you are retired, you understand this perfectly.
If you're not retired, eat your heart out!!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

344. How To Make A Woman Happy

Subject: How To Make A Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47 be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food