412. The Borowitz Report. Queen Elizabeth II Anouncement, Nov. 2016

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.

Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.

The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”

411. A Few Quotes

From Dorothy Parker In Her Own Words

Theatre Reviews:

“The scene was laid in France as was Mary”

“In the first act the heroine is strangled by one of her admirers. For me the murder came too late”

On war plays “I have witnessed so many German Spies I was beginning to distrust my own family”

On Tolstoy’s Redemption. “It isn’t what you would call sunny. I went into the Plymouth Theatre a comparatively young woman, and I staggered out of it, three hours later, twenty years older, haggard and broken with suffering……”

On The Silent Witness “Kay Strozzi had the temerity to wear as truly horrible a gown as I have seen on the American stage. Had she not been strangled by a member of the cast while disporting this garment, I should have fought my way to the stage and done her in, myself.”

In her new, small office. “I wrote ‘MEN’ on the door so as to see new faces.”

At a Halloween party, when told that the guests were busy ducking for apples. “There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life”

———————————————————————————————————————

In Paris the non-English speaking owner of the cafe that Oscar Wilde frequented asked him to write a sign to attract english visitors so he did:

Come in you Anglo-Saxon swine

And drink of my Algerian wine.

’Twill turn your eyeballs black and blue

And damn well good enough for you

410. Where To Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...       

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade. 

  

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 

  

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 

  

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 

  

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 

  

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

  

OR 

  

You can retire to California where...       

  

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 

  

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 

  

3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 

  

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 

  

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long  it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 

  

6. The 4 seasons are:  

Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. 

  

OR 

  

You can retire to New York City where...      

  

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.... 

  

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 

  

3. You think Central Park is "nature." 

  

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 

  

5. You've worn out a car horn (IF you have a car). 

  

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 

  

OR 

  

You can retire to Minnesota where...       

  

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup...

  

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 

  

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 

  

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 

  

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 

  

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different", "she is different", or "It was different!"

  

OR 

  

You can retire to The Deep South where...       

  

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 

  

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 

  

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 

  

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 

  

5. Everywhere is: “in yonder,” either "over yonder" or "out yonder". 

  

OR 

  

You can retire to Colorado where...        

  

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 

  

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.  

  

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 

  

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. 

  

OR 

  

You can retire to Nebraska where...    

  

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 

  

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor. 

  

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 

  

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at."

  

OR 

  

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...      

  

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 

  

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 

  

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist,  proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 

  

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 

  

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

409. From: A Certain World by W. H. Auden (1970)

De Mino

After the age of eighty all contemporaries are friends

Lord Byron

Hiking in the Alps: Passed whole woods of withered pines, all withered; trunks stripped and barkless, branches lifeless; done in a single winter — their appearance reminded me of me and my family.

Basile Yanovsky

The patient in his turn, when brought into the operating room, may control himself in a civilized way, with dignity, or go completely to pieces, in panic and hysteria, despite premedication.

This, in the operating room we can always distinguish the worthy man from the pseudo-hero, the bully, the hum-bug. This holds true—in differing degrees and for different reasons—for patient, surgeon and anesthesiologist.

408. Whiskey

WHISKEY

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the  poison scourge, the bloody  monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the  mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies  and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you  mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of  principle ."

407. Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence
or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been
to K MART?)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.

406 Message From Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)