Onward Bound Humor

405. Dear Mountain Room Parents

2011-11-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Mountain Room Parents
by Maria Semple October 24, 2011
SHOUTS & MURMURS consisting of a series of e-mails from a preschool teacher planning to celebrate the Day of the Dead instead of Halloween…
by Maria Semple
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/maria_semple/search?contributorName=maria%20semple#ixzz1dXQhIWg8

Hi, everyone!
The Mountain Room is gearing up for its Day of the Dead celebration on Friday. Please send in photos of loved ones for our altar. All parents are welcome to come by on Wednesday afternoon to help us make candles and decorate skulls.
Thanks!
Emily
-------------------------
Hi again.
Because I’ve gotten some questions about my last e-mail, there is nothing “wrong” with Halloween. The Day of the Dead is the Mexican version, a time of remembrance. Many of you chose Little Learners because of our emphasis on global awareness. Our celebration on Friday is an example of that. The skulls we’re decorating are sugar skulls. I should have made that more clear.
Emily
-------——————
Parents:
Some of you have expressed concern about your children celebrating a holiday with the word “dead” in it. I asked Eleanor’s mom, who’s a pediatrician, and here’s what she said: “Preschoolers tend to see death as temporary and reversible. Therefore, I see nothing traumatic about the Day of the Dead.” I hope this helps.
Emily
---------------------------------
Dear Parents:
In response to the e-mail we all received from Maddie’s parents, in which they shared their decision to raise their daughter dogma-free, yes, there will be an altar, but please be assured that the Day of the Dead is a pagan celebration of life and has nothing to do with God. Keep those photos coming!
Emily

Hello.
Perhaps “pagan” was a poor word choice. I feel like we’re veering a bit off track, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll start setting up our altar now, so that today at pickup you can see for yourselves how colorful and harmless the Day of the Dead truly is.
Emily

Parents:
The photos should be of loved ones who have passed. Max’s grandma was understandably shaken when she came in and saw a photo of herself on our altar. But the candles and skulls were cute, right?
Emily

Mountain Room Parents:
It’s late and I can’t possibly respond to each and every e-mail. (Not that it comes up a lot in conversation, but I have children, too.) As the skulls have clearly become a distraction, I decided to throw them away. They’re in the compost. I’m looking at them now. You can, too, tomorrow at drop-off. I just placed a “NO BASURA” card on the bin to make sure it doesn’t get emptied. Finally, to those parents who are offended by our Day of the Dead celebration, I’d like to point out that there are parents who are offended that you are offended.
Emily

Dear Parents:
Thanks to their group e-mail, we now know that the families of Millie and Jaden M. recognize Jesus Christ as their Saviour. There still seems to be some confusion about why, if we want to celebrate life, we’re actually celebrating death. To better explain this “bewildering detour,” I’ve asked Adela, who works in the office and makes waffles for us on Wednesdays, and who was born in Mexico, to write you directly.
Emily

Hola a los Padres:
El Día de los Muertos begins with a parade through the zócalo, where we toss oranges into decorated coffins. The skeletons drive us in the bus to the cemetery and we molest the spirits from under the ground with candy and traditional Mexican music. We write poems called calaveras, which laugh at the living. In Mexico, it is a rejoicing time of ofrendas, picnics, and dancing on graves.
Adela

Parents:
I sincerely apologize for Adela’s e-mail. I would have looked it over, but I was at my daughter’s piano recital. (Three kids, in case you’re wondering, one who’s allergic to everything, even wind.) For now, let’s agree that e-mail has reached its limits. How about we process our feelings face to face? 9 A.M. tomorrow?
Emily

Dear Parents:
Some of you chose to engage in our dialogue. Some chose to form a human chain. Others had jobs (!) to go to. So we’re all up to speed, let me recap this morning’s discussion:
—Satan isn’t driving our bus. Little Learners does not have a bus. If we did, I wouldn’t still need parent drivers for the field trip to the cider mill. Anyone? I didn’t think so.
—Ofrenda means “offering.” It’s just a thing we put on the altar. Any random thing. A bottle of Fanta. Unopened, not poisoned. Just a bottle of Fanta.
—We’re moving past the word “altar” and calling it what it really is: a Seahawks blanket draped over some cinder blocks.
—Adela will not be preparing food anymore and Waffle Wednesdays will be suspended. (That didn’t make us any new friends in the Rainbow and Sunshine Rooms!)
—On Friday morning, I will divide the Mountain Room into three groups: those who wish to celebrate the Day of the Dead; those who wish to celebrate Halloween; and Maddie, who will make nondenominational potato prints in the corner.

Dear Mountain Room Parents:
Today I learned not to have open flames in the same room as a costume parade. I learned that a five-dollar belly-dancer outfit purchased at a pop-up costume store can easily catch fire, but, really, I knew that just by looking at it. I learned that Fanta is effective in putting out fires. I learned that a child’s emerging completely unscathed from a burning costume isn’t a good enough outcome for some parents. I learned that I will be unemployed on Monday. For me, the Day of the Dead will always be a time of remembrance.

404. Some quotes from the sorting room.

2011-04-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

Richard Russell: "I'll tell you the truth -- I still haven't made any sense out of the whole mix. If I've come to any conclusion it is this -- 85% of mankind is clueless and living on a hand-to-mouth basis. 5% of mankind is smart and pretty much knows what they are doing. Ten percent are intelligent enough to follow the 5%."

Kurt Vonnegut: "The most beautiful thing money could buy was a childhood a lifetime long."

Honore de Balzac: Deeply in debt for most of his life. Honore de Balzac elatedly sent this announcement to his publisher and friends on the death of his miserly uncle who left him a sizable bequest.
Yesterday, at five in the morning, my uncle and I passed on to a better life.

Eugene O’Neill: Traveling in europe, Eugene O’Neill received a cable from Jean Harlow asking if he would write a play for her. “Reply collect in 20 words.” read the cable. O’Neill did:
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
O’NEILL

Marge Piercy: "Try to live as if you were an experiment conducted by the future"

403. The illegal immigration problem: Canadian Style

2010-11-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

The illegal immigration problem: Canadian Style

The Manitoba Herald as Reported by Clive Runnels August 1, 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields atnight.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberalsnear the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!

402. Old Men Scam

2010-10-22T13:35:00.001-07:00

FW: Must read " WARNING " for all us guys]
Older Men Scam.
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

A 'heads up' for men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. A man can become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. Both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, in their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one starts crawling all over you while the other steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 23rd, 26th 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,  17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, & 27th, numerous times in August, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.

Warn your friends to be vigilant.

PS. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store. Also, since you never get to eat at McDonald's, I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, etc.
Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Ladies please pass this on to the men in your family

401. The Dog Will Be Halppy To See Me - Jon Carroll

2010-09-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Jon Carroll - The Dog Will Be Happy To See Me

“To all non-pet-owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. to me they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

“Remember dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. eat less,
2. don’t ask for money all the time,
3. are easier to train,
4. normally come when called,
5. never ask to drive the car,
6. don’t smoke or drink,
7. don’t want to wear your clothes,
8. don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
9. don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
10. if they get pregnant, you sell can their children.”

400. Literary Cartoons

2010-03-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

399. Demographics of American Newspapers

2010-03-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.
There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

398. Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winners

2009-10-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep...Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved..

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear"'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS..._*

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

397. Medical Truths

2009-05-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's so good to read the truth at last??

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn.. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a p ork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......
For those of20you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

396. Washington Post Invitational, Week 795

2009-02-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

In which we asked for some shovel-ready suggestions on what the government should be spending our money on in an effort to stimulate the economy:

Encourage people to spend money faster by printing it with disappearing ink. (Martin Bancroft)

Since pro ball players make great salaries, let's build a major league stadium in every town. (Kevin Dopart)

Build the Backside of Mount Rushmore Memorial, with the corresponding views of Pierce, Buchanan, Harding and Dubya. (Kevin Dopart)

Have the Treasury secretary put it all on Red. If it wins, repeat. (Russell Beland)

We could help both the airlines and the innkeeper industry by requiring all citizens to go to their home towns for the 2010 census. (Jon Graft)

Decrease threats to U.S. security by financing anger management classes for terrorists. (Lawrence McGuire)

Extend FDIC insurance to Ponzi schemes. (Martin Bancroft)

Don't give $17 billion to the automakers. Instead, buy a half-million of the biggest beasts the Big Three make and hand them out to people who have lost their homes to foreclosure. The automakers get the cash, the autoworkers get jobs, and the homeless get a place to live. (Fil Feit)

Help GM by buying a national fleet of meter maid Hummers. (Jeff Brechlin)

Upgrade the Pentagon to a hexagon. (Kevin Welber, Bethesda)

Start a massive advertising campaign encouraging citizens to participate in Leave Your Refrigerator Open for 24 Hours Day, to help counter global warming. (David Garratt)

Build an adults-only annex to the Library of Congress. (David Garratt)

395. From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 794

2009-01-19T08:43:00.001-08:00

In which we asked for headlines a la those in the satirical newspaper the Onion:

Image of Tortilla Mysteriously Appears on Statue of Virgin Mary (M.C. Dornan)

'Liberal Elitist Press' Condemned by Ignorant Lowlife Redneck Hatemongers
(Chris Rollins)

In Final Trip to Beijing, Bush Calls on Premier to 'Tear Down This Wall'
(Malcolm Fleschner)

Shoelace Collection Instantly Loses All Value When Only Other Collector Dies (Eric Murphy)

Comedians Seek Bailout Until White Guy Elected President Again (Art Grinath)

Huge Breakthrough in Stem Cell Research That You Wouldn't Understand (Bob Sorensen)

McMansion Demolished to Make Room for Three McHovels (Mia Kim)

Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel (Bill Gee)

Defeat of Prop 8 Somehow Fails to Save Troubled Marriage (Greg Sanders)

Newspaper Industry Stakes Future on Monthly Obama Commemorative Editions (Eric Murphy)

'It's Not Like I Killed Somebody!' Simpson Complains of Sentence (John Folse)

Poultry Sales Again Show Unexplained November Spike (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Terrorist Group Protests Being Described as 'Activists' (Marc Naimark)

Blogger Believes Government Covering Something Up (Mike Hammer)

Warner Bros. Greenlights 'Saw 6: A Special Musical Christmas' (Philip Strub)

Woman Hospitalized After Son's Careless Sidewalk-Crack Stepping (Mike Hammer)

Mother Wants Store-Bought Gift for Once, Hides Craft Supplies (Jean Bonner)

Copy Editors Layed Off; Newsroom Operations Not Effected (Jeffrey Contompasis)

Global Markets Soar on News That 'All the Money Has Been Found' (Pete Kaplan, Charlotte)

Local Prison Doctor Delivers Lethal Injections With a Dose of Humor (Malcolm Fleschner)

'You Can Achieve Anything You Set Your Mind To,' World's Second-Fastest Man Tells Kids (Dan Dunn)

394. Hollywood Squares

2009-01-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

These great questions and answers are from the days when the responses were spontaneous, not scripted (as they are now).

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ..learning that Tarzan swings both ways.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. What's the sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A. Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when great grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A. Paul Lynde: A pair of 38's.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

393. The old and the new

2008-12-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

As the French saying goes, “Plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose.” (Translation: “Is not our first lady hot?”) But is it really true that things never really change, they just stay the same? Herewith a guide to where things stand zeitgeist-wise as we usher in a new president, and with any luck, a new era. On reflection, perhaps the French have something there. They usually do.

Worst U.S. President
Old: Buchanan
New: Bush (II)

Publish Post

Reassuring African- American Leader
Old: Colin Powell
New: Obama

Menacing Ruskie
Old: Stalin
New: Putin

GOP Clotheshorse
Old: Nancy Reagan
New: Sarah Palin

Toxic substance
Old: Asbestos
New: Collateralized Debt Obligation

Three Stooges
Old: Moe, Larry, Curley
New: Detroit Auto CEOs

Eponymous/Onomatopoeic Financial Scoundrel
Old: Ponzi
New: Madoff

Wise Man
Old: Greenspan
New: Buffett

Oxygen-Depleting, Single-Named Blonde Divorcée
Old: Diana
New: Madonna

Cancer Phobia
Old: Cell phones
New: Bottled water

Illegal Substance
Old: Meth
New: Canadian Lipitor

Guilty Pleasure
Old: Downloading Napster
New: Leaving Lights On

High-minded Catchphrase
Old: Compassionate Conservatism
New: Audacity of Hope

Politically Incorrect Gas guzzler
Old: Hummer
New: Gulfstream

Weirdo Actor
Old: Christopher Walken
New: Joaquin Phoenix

Potty-Mouthed Illinois Pol
Old: Rahm Emmanuel
New: Gov. Blagojevich

Crown Kennedy
Old: Ted
New: Caroline

$6 Million Book Advance
Old: Colin Powell
New: Tina Fey

Hyper-Adoptive Actress
Old: Mia Farrow
New: Angelina Jolie

Tantalizing Opener
Old: Please to contact me most Very immediately re: $16 Mil Dollars (US) In Your Bank of Nigeria Acct!
New: In the event of an erection lasting more than four hours...

Village Atheist
Old: Madalyn Murray O'Hair
New: Christopher Hitchens

Frigid, Cash Strapped Landmass
Old: Russia
New: Iceland

F--- You VP
Old: Rockefellar
New: Cheney

Fun Clinton
Old: Bill
New: Hillary

Torture Device
Old: Water-board
New: 401(k) Statement

P.S. The financial situation is so bad at present that Jewish women are marrying for love.

Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush.

392, Laura Bennett Gives Thanks

2008-12-01T07:52:00.001-08:00

Laura Bennett mother of six counts her blessings:

Sometimes it is hard to remember that Thanksgiving is not about food, but in fact, about giving thanks. I do not believe in God per say, but I do believe in some kind of universal cosmic force, and to this force, I would like to take a moment to mention the things I am most thankful for. Though being an all-powerful universal cosmic force, it probably already knows.

I am thankful for Fresh Direct, an incredible grocery delivery service we have here in New York. With a few clicks of a mouse, I can order everything I need for the week, and it magically arrives at my door. This saves me from having to shop for food at Duane Reade, which is a good thing, because you can only serve Frosted Flakes and Ramen noodles for dinner so many times before Child Services gets involved. I am also thankful for paper plates, because not only do I detest shopping and cooking, but the aftermath of clean up is exponentially easier when I can just plow the contents of the dinner table into the garbage can.

I am thankful for my hilarious kids, who are a constant source of good writing material because, believe me, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

I am thankful for Adderall, Ritalin, Focalin et al, because a medicated child is a happy child. Likewise, I am thankful for nicotine gum, Dunkin Donuts coffee, and Tanqueray martinis up with olives, because a medicated parent is a happy parent.

I am thankful for my personal technology whose artificial intelligence surpasses my own. Spell-check; you are brilliant, and if not for you this essay would be unintelligible.

I am thankful for my long-wear lipstick and my power panties. You keep my lips and ass in place, respectively, and save me valuable time having to check mirrors. And my Birkin Bag, not only do you faithfully carry around all the crap required to get me through my day, but you offer me security; if I ever decide to run away, I can stop by that high-end re-sale shop on eighteenth street on my way out of town and raise enough cash to live for six months.

I am thankful for my nannies, Alicia and Nicole. Your hard work and dedication keep me from becoming a homicidal bitch. And our housekeeper, Zoila, my husband’s true wife. Other women in his life have come and gone, but for thirty years, you have been there for him, and you’ve never once washed his cell phone. Sorry, Peter. I am thankful for Blake, our manny, because only a gay would serve show tunes with breakfast.

I am thankful for my family. For my husband, who never complains about the price of my Manolo’s, though his accountant hates the fact that I charge them to his business American Express, and has repeatedly asked me to stop. Peter has never asked me to stop, and until I get the word from the big guy, I’m taking that as a go ahead. I am thankful for my hilarious kids, who are a constant source of good writing material because, believe me, I couldn’t make this stuff up. I am thankful my daughter attends a state college; wow, what a tuition break. I am especially thankful that my crack-addicted forty-seven year old twice-divorced brother moved back in with my parents, and not me. Hang in there, Mom.

Bennett lives amid complete chaos in New York City with her husband and six children, Cleo, 20, Peik, 13, Truman, 10, Pierson, 6, Larson, 5, and Finn, 2.

391. Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

2008-11-28T07:48:00.000-08:00

Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

390. Thanksgiving Letter

2008-11-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

I know that you were eager to accept our family’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us. However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and décor, as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately. Thank you.

1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2) Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, I’ve gotten our daughter involved in decorating by having her track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was her idea.

3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper Cinderella dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and my famous Garfield cup collection.

4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and macaroni. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

5) We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure she will be happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6) As an accompaniment to our daughter’s recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don’t own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She’s only eight; what does she know?

7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8) There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that “passing the rolls” is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

9) The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America, but it won’t be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress “private”, meaning “Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.”

10) For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it’s a secret that can’t be revealed to them until they are 18.

11) Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year. Come to think of it, she probably won’t come next year, either. And for that, I am indeed thankful.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

389. Washington Post Invitational, Week 787

2008-11-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

In which we asked you to create words containing the letters M, I, N and E, adjacent to one another but in any order.

Glandmine: A teenager. (Kevin Dopart, Ira Allen, )

Indeterminetable: An airline schedule. (Mike Anderson)

Blesspheming: Damning with faint praise. (Tom Witte)

Ciao mein: An Italian stir-fry with bean sprouts, bamboo shoots and Alfredo sauce. (Roy Ashley, Dave Zarrow)

Mein chow: A German noodle dish. (Duncan Seed, )

Eminenema: A purge of old rap albums from your iPod. (Hamdi Akar)

Cinemoron: Someone who uses his cellphone in the theater. (Hugh Pullen)

Demingle: Sidle out of a boring conversation at a party. (Hugh Pullen)

Emnityville: The locale of many a Thanksgiving dinner horror. (Peter Metrinko, Russ Taylor, )

Meanie-me: A political surrograte who slings mud on the candidate's behalf, letting the candidate appear to be above the fray. (Pam Sweeney)

Errmine: Fake fur good enough to fool an expert, but not your wife. (Lawrence McGuire

Feeminism: Pride in prostitution. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)

Himnesia: How some women move on after a bad breakup. (Christopher Lamora)

Home-mining: Digging for coins between the couch pillows. (Alli Peterson)

Imenses: Monthly bloat. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Preminisce: To get nostalgic for something before it even happens. (Mike Inman)

Solemnivorous: Taking eating way too seriously. (Gary Heinze)

Melodramamine: A treatment for emotion sickness. (Frank Yuen, Forest Hills, N.Y.)

388. Attention Ladies

2008-10-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.
Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that 20 ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red!!!

387. Irish Alzheimer's

2008-10-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?'
Murphy said, 'I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.'
The priest said, 'Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?'
Murphy said, 'Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat.' The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; 'After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?'
Murphy shook his head and said, 'No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.'

386. Washington Post Invitational, Week 772

2008-08-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

In which we asked readers to alter a literary passage so that it could be understood "by Los Angeles residents under 40," as an L.A. Times reader wrote in a letter to the editor complaining that there were too many hard words in a certain movie review.
Lots of first-time entrants this week, from all over the country and beyond. Not many from L.A., though.

Ernest Hemingway: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn: " There's this woman who's expecting a baby and something bad happens, like a miscarriage or something, and she had already bought some shoes in anticipation of the birth, so she puts them in the classifieds to sell them and they're still good as new because the baby was never born."
-------------------
William Shakespeare: "Et tu, Brute?"
Elisa M. Nichols, Kensington: "Bitch set me up!"
-------------------
John Donne: "Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.: "Ding dong. It's for you."
------------------
Francis Bacon: "If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties."
Jay Shuck, Minneapolis: "You think you're sure? I mean really, you're SURE you're sure? Well, I am, like, SO SURE!"
-------------------
Pliny the Elder: "The lust of avarice has so totally seized upon mankind that their wealth seems rather to possess them than that they possess their wealth."
Mae Scanlan, Washington: "When money rules, you guys are fools."
--------------------
Jane Austen: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Karen Zachary, Arlington, a First Offender: "Everybody knows that a rich single dude wants to be married. Not."
--------------------
Shakespeare:
Who is Silvia? what is she,
That all our swains commend her?
Holy, fair, and wise is she;
The heaven such grace did lend her,
That she might admirèd be.

Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.:
Who is Sylvia? What is she,
That all the dudes now dig her?
Holy cow, she's hot! I see
The doctor's made her bigger,
And she's about a double-D.
--------------------
Psalm 52: "Thy tongue devised mischief's; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. Thou loves evil more than good; and lying rather than to speak righteousness. Selah. Thou loves all devouring words, O thou deceitful tongue."
David Kleinbard, Jersey City: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
----------------------
T.S. Eliot via Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney: When I get old, I'm going to roll up my pants, eat a peach, and go to an art gallery.
----------------------
Edgar Allan Poe: "A feeling, for which I have no name, has taken possession of my soul -- a sensation which will admit of no analysis, to which lessons of by-gone times are inadequate and for which I fear futurity itself will offer me no key."
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge: I am soooo wasted.
----------------------
Poe via LuAnn Bishop, West Haven, Conn.: So, it's really late, and I'm totally bummed out thinking about my dead girlfriend, when then this big black bird hops in my window and says: "Fahgedaboutit!"
-----------------------
Geoffrey Chaucer: "Whan that aprille with his shoures soote
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote . . .
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages."
Beverley Sharp, Washington:
"It's spring break . . . ROAD TRIP!!!"
-------------------------
Walt Whitman via Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.: Whoa, dude! The president got shot! We need to get some metaphors going RIGHT NOW.
--------------------------
Thomas Jefferson via:
Russell Beland, Springfield: Us Americans, so that we can have a better country, one that's fair, where we're not yanking each other's chain, and to make sure nobody messes with our homeboys, and to keep things righteous, have worked up a few rules here . . .
--------------------------
Beverly Ellis, Manassas: Sometimes stuff happens and a group of people have to stop being a part of the group they used to belong to and go do the stuff they want to do because it's their right to do what they want to do and to be respected just for living and they gotta tell everybody what's going down and why the shakeup is taking place.
David Kleinbard, Jersey City: It's plain to see, you ain't better than me. God gave us a right to be free. You ain't the boss of me. Shake my branch, I'll kick you out of my tree.
G. Smith, New York: You're not the king of uf!
----------------------------
William Shakespeare:"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."
Andrea Kelly, Brookeville:"Hey, YO! Up here."
-----------------------------
The Gospels according to Russell Beland, Springfield: OMG! We respect you, but can we please have our bread now? And we hope you agree trespassing is no big deal. Don't go offering us any of that nasty stuff, cause we might be tempted. But, you know, we think you're the best.
------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln:"With malice toward none, with charity for all . . ."
John Kupiec, Fairfax:"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family . . ."
-------------------------------
Shakespeare:

Juliet: "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name and for thy name which is no part of thee take all myself."
Romeo: "I take thee at thy word. Call me but love and I'll be new baptized."

Juliet: "Names are, like, so dumb. Ditch your name and we can like, y'know."
Romeo: "Yeah, okay, cool."
--------------------------------
Andrew Marvell:"Had we but world enough, and time
This coyness, lady, were no crime."
Mae Scanlan, Washington:"C'mon, let's get real here -- I've got to go to work tomorrow."
---------------------------
Francis Scott Key via Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney:"w00t! its morning and our flag didnt get blown up last night!"
---------------------------
Shakespeare:"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more."

"Life sucks and then you die."
-----------------------------
Shakespeare: " There's a divinity shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will."

Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.:"I'm not very religious? But, like, I'm very spiritual?"
-----------------------------
Herman Melville:". . . all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down."
--------------------------
Shakespeare via Jay Shuck, Minneapolis:"For the luvva God, why'd you have to be Romeo? Just leave your folks! Or, okay, I guess I could leave my folks." -- -- --
--------------------------
Shakespeare: " Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles:"You're hotter than Miss July!"
-------------------------
Jane Austen:"May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?"

Russ Taylor, Vienna:"Are you playin' me?"
---------------------------
Michel Foucault:"If one wants to look for a nondisciplinary form of power, or rather, to struggle against disciplines and disciplinary power, it is not towards the ancient right of sovereignty that one should turn, but towards the possibility of a new form of right, one which must indeed be antidisciplinarian, but at the same time liberated from the principle of sovereignty."

Tristan Axelrod, Washington, a First Offender:"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Or maybe it's: You can't beat city hall. I don't really know." -- M. Foucault, Paris
---------------------------
Charles Dickens:"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way -- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

John Bunyan, Cincinnati :"Times were good, the L.A. Times sucked, some people were over 40, some were stupid, there were Republicans, there were Democrats, it was sunny in the afternoon, but there was early-morning low clouds and fog, we thought the Dodgers could win, we knew they'd be out of the playoffs, we shopped Rodeo Drive, we had nothing to wear, we were hitting the waves, we were working -- so basically, it was pretty much like now, and the critics kept writing reviews, good ones and bad ones, with big words no one really uses that really just meant 'great' or 'lousy.' "

385. Washington Post Invitational. Week 771

2008-07-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

From the Washington Post Invitational. Week 771
In which we asked for names for employee handbooks, etc., for particular professions or workplaces.

"The Compleat Dangler"–– Rule book for a male nudist colony

"Duck!" –– A guide to being the president of Afghanistan

"Tiers of a Clown" –– Barnum & Bailey organizational chart

"Cross Examination: The Department of Justice Bible Study Guide"

"Cher and Cher Alike" –– Drag show chorus line rule book

"Government Buy the People" –– Tax stimulus payment mailers' guide

"First Come, First Severed: A Practical Guide to Amputation"

"The Way We Whirr" –– Helicopter flying manual

"For Whom the Belle Toils" –– Escort service:

"When You Dish Upon a Star" –– National Enquirer reporters' handbook

"Spit and Polish" –– Dental hygienists' manual

"Divided We Fall" –– United Airlines preventive maintenance manual

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies" –– A guide to crash testing

"From Bier to Eternity" –– Gravediggers' manual:

"Who's Sioux in America" –– Bureau of Indian Affairs census:

"Inducing Labor" –– Teamsters recruiting manual:

"101 Jokes About Other Professions" –– American Bar Association banquet planning guide

"Eight Days, a Whack" –– A manual for mohels

"Our Bodies, Our Sales - The NOW Guide to Streetwalking"

"How to Succeed in Business Without Really Frying: Opening a Fat-Free Restaurant"

384. From the Washington Post Style Invitational

2008-07-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

Fictitious Movie Trivia

Even though RKO spent $50,000 to clean up the Empire State Building afterward, the producers ultimately chose not to use the "King Kong" poo-flinging scene. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

The first documented product placement in film history was by the Rosebud Sled Co. (Patrick Kelly, Brampton, Ontario)

The flying monkeys used in "The Wizard of Oz" were sold to research laboratories after the movie was filmed.

Despite their classic love story that has thrilled millions, Fay Wray and King Kong actually hated each other.

In an extreme example of Method acting, Jack Nicholson had an actual lobotomy for the ending of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."(Jonathan Kaye, Washington)

Samuel L. Jackson once turned down a script. (Dan Hauser, Arlington)

"Over the Rainbow" was nearly cut from "The Wizard of Oz," but test audiences preferred it to the proposed up-tempo number called "If Miss Gulch Takes My Dog, I'll Burn Down Her Barn." (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

For theaters in much of the Bible Belt, the 1966 film "One Million Years B.C." was retitled "Three Thousand Years B.C." (Russell Beland)

"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" was the first general-release American movie to contain the words "@$%%!!{$181}{rcub}," "&*%#@" and a certain form of "$%{$181}*#$." (Cy Gardner)

Earlier drafts of the script for "No Country for Old Men" had an ending. (Cy Gardner)

F. Murray Abraham has said that he drew his inspiration for his role as Salieri in "Amadeus" from his deep hatred of Mozart and his music. (Victor Lee, Leonia, N.J.)

Linda Blair won the role of Regan in "The Exorcist" over more experienced actresses because she was the only one who could rotate her head 360 degrees and projectile-vomit at will. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington; G. Smith)

Every one of Woody Allen's leading ladies has been legally blind. (Larry Yungk)

The ugly child who played the part of E.T. performed without makeup. (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)

Robert De Niro prepared for his role in "Taxi Driver" by driving a taxi in New York for six weeks. Then he killed several pimps. (Marc Leibert, Jersey City)

Howard Hughes designed Errol Flynn's cantilevered codpiece for "The Adventures of Robin Hood." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

In "Being John Malkovich," Johnny Depp was originally cast to play Malkovich, but he had to pull out due to illness. (Kevin Dopart)

Unsure how the war in Europe would go, "Casablanca" director Michael Curtiz considered an alternative script in which Rick, Ilsa and Victor fly to Germany, fleeing French Resistance terrorists. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.)

In the fourth "Die Hard" movie, Bruce Willis did his own smirking. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If you listen carefully during the climactic scene of "The Natural," you can hear the ping of an aluminum bat. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Early digital editing techniques were used on "Return of the Dragon" to make it appear as if Bruce Lee beat up Chuck Norris, since no one can actually beat up Chuck Norris. (Keith Waites, Frederick)

383. B B Q Procedures

2008-05-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the t able and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

382. Washington Post Invitational, Week 751

2008-05-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

Washington Post Invitational Week 751
In which we asked you to help supply new "unscripted TV fare" to the writer-struck networks by slightly changing the title of a current or past TV show.

We could program every cable channel for years with the entries submitted for this contest. Some of the most commonly offered titles: "American Idle," "You Bet Your Wife," "Manics," "C*A*S*H," "Bob's New Heart."

"No Dime for Sergeants": A report on the Army's uncompetitive pay scale.
(Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)

"America's Moat Wanted": Lou Dobbs and the anti-immigration crowd insist that a 2,000-mile fence is not enough.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"Missionary: Impossible": A documentary exploring the sex lives of the extremely obese.
(Dean Evangelista, Rockville)

"Thee's Company": The history of the Quaker Oats empire.
(Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

"Talcum in the Middle": A Lifetime Channel special on treating diaper rash.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

"My Car, the Mother!": Ralph Nader rants about his Detroit lemon.
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Mister Roget's Neighborhood": PBS show lists synonyms for Word of the Week.
(G. Smith, New York)

"The A-Teat": Yet another reality show about runway models.
(Ralph Scott, Washington; Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

"CBS Evening Muse With Dan Rather": Each night the reinstated news anchor simply describes news stories he wishes were true. (Russell Beland)

"Everybody Loves Ramen": Four 18-year-old guys learn to flush the toilet, not put laundry detergent in the dryer, and other life lessons in their first year away from home.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Judith Cottrill, New York)

"One Lay at a Time": No, no, it's just a contest to see if you really can go without a second potato chip in one sitting. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)

"Man Icks": Women try to outdo each other with tales about how gross their husbands are. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"America's Next Top Mohel": Contestants vie to produce the most creative circumcisions; every week someone gets cut. (Jerrie Olson, Frederick, a First Offender; Brendan Beary)

"Gilligan's Isthmus": In this reality show, seven shipwrecked people live as castaways because they are too stupid just to walk back to civilization. (Russell Beland)

"America Underclover": Each week forensics experts dig up corpses and examine their states of decomposition. (Michelle Stupak)

"Antique Broad Show": "The View." (Brendan Beary)

"Secret Pageant Man": Expose about the transsexual who was once crowned Miss America.
(Rick Haynes, Potomac)

"Unsmoke": A lone marshal attempts to enforce the cigarette ban in Dodge City's restaurants.
(Russell Beland)

"Father Knows Breast": Extreme body makeovers.
(Ted Weitzman, Olney)

"The Dorks of Hazard": Actuaries and consultants sit around conducting risk analysis.
(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"The Straights of San Francisco": Documentary about the little-known other side of that great city.
(Jim Ward, Manassas)

"Last Vegas": Car restorers halfheartedly work on the final specimens of this loser Chevy model.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

"The Untouché-ables": A year with an undefeated fencing team.
(Russell Beland)

"Dadwood": The life of Soon-Yi Previn. Tonight's pilot: "Married . . . to Children."
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Beget Smart": Tips on having more intelligent babies.
(Randall Kunkel, Spotsylvania, Va.)

And Last: "Gypardy": Departing from recent trends, this game show asks really difficult questions for ridiculously low-value prizes like T-shirts and magnets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

381. Where We Come From

2008-05-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

Where We Came From

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear'?
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made'.
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved'.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

380. Lightbulbs and your sign

2008-04-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

The Inevitable Lightbulb Jokes AstroJokes HomePage

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light's out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.

Created in 1995 by Richard Wentk and Walter Pullen with Bits and Pieces by Several Others.
Protected by Copyright (© 1995--1999) at AquarianAge!

378. Washington Post Invitational, week 748

2008-03-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

Our annual contest in which we seek poems about those who died in the previous year:

Jerry Falwell:
Not for being greatly good --
Not because he knew he would --
Jerry Falwell's gone above,
Unto his Creator's love,
Spending every night and day
With angels black and angels gay.
God our Father knows us all well;
Knows what's Hell for Jerry Falwell.
( David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Lady Bird Johnson:
Jackie's successor, a rather plain dresser,
Was viewed by the press as much duller.
For Lady Bird's way to enliven our day
Was for highways to sparkle with color.
A political wife, she spent most of her life
With a blind eye to what Hubby sinned in.
But on her ranch, though it slanted,
She successfully planted
Seven oak trees, four elms and one Lyndon.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Molly Ivins:
Enjoy a calm retirement, Dubya;
Molly's not around to "Shrub" ya. (David Smith)

Luciano Pavarotti:
At last Pavarotti is resting in peace.
He'd let himself go, and it showed.
Let's face it, the guy had become so obese,
He had his own aria code.
(Brendan Beary)

Phil Rizzuto:
For Scooter, the years have exacted their toll.
Now this Hall of Fame shortstop plays deep in the hole.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Wally Schirra:
Bravely flew through space to probe it;
Circled Earth, is now in obit.
Broke the bonds of life unhampered
And, you can be sure, un-Pampered.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Now Ike Turner's off the street;
They say he never missed a beat.
(Beverley Sharp)

When Helen Walton, 87,
Knocks upon the gates of Heaven,
Sam, her husband, not Saint Peter,
Stands inside to meet and greet her.
(Chris Doyle)

Leona Helmsley:
The Queen of Mean bought fine hotels,
Got taxing time in jailhouse cells.
Bought stuff to give the Palace charm.
Bought Trouble. Now she's bought the farm.
(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Higgledy piggledy
Evel Knievel, a
Vaulter of canyons, a
Dude with a past.
Switching mechanics and
Flying with Jesus, he
Jumped to conclusions:
Grounded at last.
(Coilin Owens, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)

Al Oerter, discus champion
Gold medals in Tokyo, Melbourne and Rome,
And Mexico City as well;
It seemed that for Al, the top platform was home;
He always found ways to excel.
The other competitors always looked sad
To nearby observant reporters;
It's not that their own throws were anything bad --
They only were following Oerter's.
(Brendan Beary)

Mstislav Rostropovich:
A whiz of a conductor and a master on the cello,
A caring friend who never put on airs, despite his fame.
There's just one nasty trait we can attribute to the fellow:
Sadistically insisting that we call him by his name.
(Brendan Beary)

Anna Nicole Smith:
The drugs, the dads, the tabloid press;
They all left Anna cold;
But she's still hot in Peter's Book
'Cause she's the centerfold.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Marcel Marceau and Washoe the chimp:
Two who uttered not a word
Last year got themselves interred.
Washoe couldn't "speak," although
He got on like Marcel Marceau.
Gestures and gesticulations
Were, for both, communications.
There's one distinction to impart:
Chimps are science, frogs are art.
(Brendan Beary)

Rex Humbard, Tammy Faye Bakker and Jerry Falwell (and Ike Turner, Kurt Waldheim and Leona Helmsley)
In Heaven just the other day,
The dear departed Tammy Faye
Ran into her old acquaintance Rex.
Said the former Mrs. Bakker,
"It's so nice to meet our Maker,
Though I'm quite bewildered and perplexed.
There's Ike Turner playing blues,
And Kurt Waldheim helping Jews,
Even Mrs. Helmsley being merry.
But I've inspected everywhere,
And I've found neither hide nor hair
Of our former colleague Reverend Jerry."
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

377. Why English Teachers Retire Early

2008-03-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-emperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topekaat 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20 The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

376. Washington Post Invitational, Week 749

2008-03-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Washington Post Invitational, Week 749

In which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words .

Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper.
(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day.
(Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)

Ballpark: An athletic supporter.
(Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones.
(Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)

Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Boron: A chem major at a party.
(Kevin Dopart)

Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family.
(Beverley Sharp)

Distribute: A nasty eulogy.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments.
(Paul Kocak)

Effrontery: The missionary position.
(Tom Witte)

Flaccid: Lousy LSD.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog.
(Duncan Seed)

Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration.
(Christopher Lamora)

Automated: Got lucky in the back seat.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bag ladies: What single gentlemen try to do.
(Christopher Lamora)

Direction: What Prince Charles had at least twice.
(Kevin Dopart)

Homogenized: What the religious right fears our youth will become if public schools teach tolerance toward gay people.
(Peter Metrinko)

375. Washington Post Initational - Week 747

2008-03-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Report From Week 747

In which we sought some amusing ways to improve the experience of airline travel. My, were you people bitter -- Heaven forbid that you are a fat person or a parent if you ever ride with these entrants. Numerous Losers suggested having the planes just travel on the ground; that passengers should get to vote people off the plane; potluck meals; and, for some reason, in-flight karaoke. Some people sent in ideas that were entirely too sensible, like one from Tom Witte of Montgomery Village that people without luggage should get to sit down first, or Steve Buttry's suggestion to change smoking lounges to cellphone lounges.

Have the first-class passengers board last, to spare the rest of us their smirks as we file in. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Parents with small children must wait to board the plane until after it has taken off. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

One of the few items arguably more irritating than sitting for an hour on the tarmac: It works for FedEx: Instead of this complicated network of city-to-city flights, just send everyone to a holding pen in Memphis, and then when there are enough passengers for a flight to, say, Yazoo City, just load up and send them out! While waiting, passengers in the pen could fold napkins or something. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Install removable tray tables. Then when the person in front of you reclines his seat to the supine position, you can place your tray, drinks and all, right on his face. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Install a timer that automatically pops open the bathroom door after three minutes of use. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Just take out that whole al-Qaeda cell of grannies with nail files and hand lotion and be done with it. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Serve the meals already in barf bags. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

Seat the smelly fat guys next to the screaming children: more space for the former, muffling the latter, and saving me from both. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia, a First Offender)

When the person in front of you reclines too far into your space, his entire seat snaps shut like a bear trap for the remainder of the flight. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Hire a second person to handle luggage at Dulles. (Steve Buttry, Herndon)

Cut down on restroom use by giving passengers a third of a can of soft drink instead of half a can. And the airlines might save another $10 a flight! (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In the spirit of paying people to give up their seats on overbooked flights, pay me for not buying a ticket in the first place. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

A free drink for everyone surrounding a crying baby; two free drinks for the baby. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Passengers are seated in sections based on personal appearance; you can use frequent-flier miles to upgrade from "Mildly Grotesque" to "Not Bad" or "Sorta Hot." (Jeff Brechlin)

Land the planes backward to reduce that lurching feeling in the seat. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Oxygen masks are so sterile and uninteresting -- we should get replicas of attractive celebrities that inflate and drop from the ceilings for us to press our lips against. If oxygen still came out, even better. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Allow infants and small children to relax during the flight inside specially padded and soundproofed overhead compartments in the rear of the plane. Water and food pellets can be provided as in guinea pig cages. (Roberta Wilkes, Seattle, a First Offender)

Install onboard vending machines, so the flight attendants can concentrate on flying the plane. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Attach a toilet to the front of the beverage cart that's blocking the aisle. (Ben Aronin, Washington; Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Award my mileage points on the basis of where my luggage travels. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Everyone submits a photo when booking. At check-in, for $50 you can switch from the seat next to the fat guy or the 2-year-old to the seat next to the cute girl. For $100, she can get away from you and sit next to the fat guy. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)

When passengers are trapped in a plane on the tarmac for more than five hours, they get to sell the plane and split the proceeds. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Create a no-frills airline called My Corporate Jet, so it sounds better when people ask how I got to the meeting. (Russ Taylor)

Tape baseball cards to the wheels so the plane makes a cool race car noise as it takes off. (Steve Langer)

Emergency slide Fridays! (Randy Lee, Burke)

374. Washington Post Invitational #746

2008-02-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

In which we asked for mottoes or tourism slogans for countries around the world:

France: Visit, If You Must. (Sigh.) (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Burma: What Happens Here REALLY Stays Here. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

United States: We Make the World a Warmer Place (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)

England: Lie Back and Think of Us (Tom Murphy, Bowie)

Austria: No Kangaroos (John Alvey)

Bermuda: Come Lose Yourself (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Canada: Home of the Almighty Dollar (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

China: Come Visit Your Money (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Colombia: All It's Cracked Up to Be (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Denmark: Oh, So Nothing's Rotten in YOUR Country? (Brendan Beary)

England: We Couldn't Beat the Patriots Either (Bruce Evans, Arlington)

France: [motto writers on strike in solidarity with the truffle sorters] (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Galapagos Islands: Guano Happens (Kevin Dopart)

Germany: It Is Not Necessary to Have a Humorous Slogan (Martin Bancroft)

Greenland: Site of the 2060 Summer Olympics (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.; Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

India: For More Information Press 1 (Matthew Morris, Rockville, a First Offender)

Iran: We're Gonna Party Like It's 999 (Brendan Beary)

Come Visit Liechtenstein: Just Don't All Come at Once (Brendan Beary)

Mexico: A Little Less Crowded Every Day (Dan Milam, Paducah, Ky., a First Offender)

Monaco: Disneyland for Adults -- and Almost Twice as Large (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Pakistan: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Tibet: Doormat to China (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

United States: War Is Peace (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Bosnia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Herzegovina: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Croatia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Serbia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Macedonia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Montenegro: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

373. Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

2008-02-25T07:13:00.000-08:00

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

............................................................

Democrat's
Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a
few days and try to come to a consensus.

.................................................................................................................
Republican's
Answer:

BANG!
.................................................................................................................
Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

372. The Silent Treatment

2008-02-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relative s of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
"we cant do all great things but we can do small things with great love"
-Mother Teresa-

371. New Drugs For Women

2008-02-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases l ife expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eag er to sha re their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

370. Americans With No Abilities Act

2008-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

Proof that the Right does have a sense of humor.

Congress is considering sweeping legislation whichwill provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With NoAbilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance- based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled. For example, it bans discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

369. The Best Of The Hollywood Squares

2008-02-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

This isn't new but it's still good for a laugh

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It ," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures .

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

368. Washington Post Invitational #745

2008-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

In which we asked for "life lessons" that might be learned at any of four venues or situations we specified:

On the pot: It's only when you get to the end of the roll that you realize just how little toilet paper you really need. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

From watching a presidential campaign debate: You ask what life lessons can be derived from watching a presidential campaign debate? That's a very good question. As my father, who worked 37 years in a textile mill, once said . . . (Roy Ashley, Washington)

From watching a presidential campaign debate: "No Interest Till 2008" isn't just for Big Marty's Mattress Warehouse anymore. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

On the pot: Floor tile installers must all be Nazis -- why else would I keep seeing so many ways to form swastikas? (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

At the grocery store: Fruit-and-vegetable shoppers can be really rude, especially toward jugglers. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

At the grocery store: Somebody must be buying the moldy brown celery, or else why would Safeway keep stocking it? (Brendan Beary)

At the grocery store: "15 items or fewer" is a surprisingly fluid concept, totally dependent on whether they are your items or the items of the person in front of you. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

At the grocery store: If you use a 50-cent coupon for some overpriced, awful thing you never heard of, you save 50 cents! (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

At the grocery store: When you get in the express line with too many items, it doesn't help much to explain that you have to hurry because you're illegally parked in a handicapped spot. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

At the grocery store: The manager should know by now I don't think this is a "liberry or sumpin," yet every Saturday when I open The Post to this page, he'll come over and ask me. (Brendan Beary)

At the grocery store: The less clothing the 17-year-old girl in front of you in line is wearing, the less likely it is that the 20-year-old male cashier is going to card her for those wine coolers. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

At the grocery store: If a recipe for that evening's dinner party calls for n ingredients, there will always be n-1 in stock. (Jack Sheehan, Eden Prairie, Minn.)

At the DMV: There's no excuse for being rude, unless you are a seething caldron of bitterness and despair. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

At the DMV: DMV clerks have no sense of humor. You read Line 5 on the eye test chart as "U R A P I G" and they won't even give you a second chance. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

At the DMV: The DMV single-handedly supports the Next Counter sign industry. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A single bad-hair day can carry a five-year sentence. (Jay Shuck)

There are an infinite number of ways to pronounce foreigners' names, apparently none of them recognizable to the holders of those names. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

From having the flu: If you stay in bed in the fetal position for more than three days, the kids WILL learn how to pour their own bowl of cereal. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

From having the flu: Barbara Walters looks about 250 years old in high-definition. (Jeff Brechlin)

From having the flu: Kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves is not unlike sitting in front of a computer trying to think of a joke about kneeling in front of the toilet with the dry heaves. (Brendan Beary)

From having the flu: Six degrees of separation is a lot when it's between 98.6 and 104.6. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

From having the flu: The human body can actually output more than it inputs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

From having the flu: Chicken soup looks the same going down and coming up. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

From watching a presidential campaign debate:
It's actually possible to make six guys in blue suits, all saying the same vacuous things for two straight hours, seem boring. (Russell Beland)

All the candidates must have remarkable ventriloquism skill, as they all appear to be talking out of their mouths. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

If you can't say something nice about someone, compensate by saying bad stuff over and over. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

A "question" is a brief interruption before the candidate continues saying what he had planned to say. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Nixon's starting to look pretty good. (Peter Metrinko)

On the pot: There exists an almost metaphysical relationship between the toilet seat and the doorbell. (Bob Dalton)

You really do know all 50 states and their capitals. ( Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The guy in the next stall almost never wants to do knock-knock jokes. (Jeff Brechlin)

Having yellow-stained fungus-encrusted toenails doesn't make you a bad person. (Bob Dalton)

The worst bars have the best graffiti. (Tom Witte)

Only loose shoes are overrated. (Kevin Dopart)

There's at least one person out there willing to let my phone ring twenty-seven times. (Russell Beland)

Another smell you can't cover up in a public stall is permanent Magic Marker. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

On vacation here, I've discovered I don't know squat. (Larry Yungk, up-country Thailand)

And Last:

From watching a presidential campaign debate on the pot due to having the flu: This may be hell -- but at least I'm not at the DMV. (Russ Taylor)

367. Humour - Odds & Ends

2008-01-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between Europeans and Americans?
Europeans think one hundred miles is a long distance, and Americans think one hundred years is a long time.

On an American Indian's T-shirt "Fighting Terrorism Since 1492"

Sign on front door. "Please, I need all the junk mail you can spare, thank you"

Question to Christopher Dodd: "Do you think americans have a right to know about a candidates personal life?"
Dodd: "Well, look, what's that great line? There's no such thing as a saint without a past and a sinner without a future."

From a recent New York Magazine article.
The Catastrophist View, By Duff McDonald. Oct 28, 2007
The bulls will tell you that foreign governments understand the American economy is the key to global economic health, and that they’ll suck it up and take it when we devalue their debt. To which Schiff offers another analogy. Imagine if five people were washed up on a desert island: four Asians and an American. In splitting up their duties, one Asian says he’ll fish; another will hunt, another will look for firewood, and another will cook. The American assigns himself the job of eating.

366. Best Bumper Stickers of 2007

2008-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10 Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow jobs Anymore
11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

365. You know you're a loser when . . .

2008-01-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post Invitational Report From Week 740
"You know you're a loser when . . . ."

When you said you could lick any man in the bar, you hadn't realized what kind of bar you were in. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

While you're haranguing the U.N. General Assembly about the superiority of your country's economic system, the sole falls off the shoe you are gesturing with. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Your girlfriend will sleep with you only if you're asleep first. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

The entire office building where you run the pastry concession was just leased to Elite Model Agency. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

In your boxing match, you throw a punch and knock your IV bottle off the pole. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

The only place you can play hide-and-seek anymore is in old-growth forests. (Erica Hartman, Wilmington)

The marriage counselor asks your wife to dinner. (Mike Pool, Vienna)

Your job interviewer gets up to go to the bathroom but says, "I'll be back. Just keep talking." (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Your dentist says, "Just hold on to this while I look something up . . ." (Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Your obstetrician asks the nurse to hand her the can of WD-40. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

At the Christmas pageant you're directing at your church, the back of the Virgin Mary's blouse is tucked into her thong. (Beth Baniszewski)

The members of the parole board seem to be staring at the swastika on your forehead. (Russell Beland)

At your 20-year high school reunion, your old boyfriend looks at you quizzically and asks, "Now, what did you teach?" (Drew Bennett)

The interviewer keeps telling you that her eyes are "up here." (Chuck Smith)

Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne)

The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"Sorry, Senator Dodd, the greenroom is for the candidates only." (Larry Schott)

You're running for president, and with the general election just 11 months away you realize there are still three farmers in Iowa and a diner waitress from New Hampshire you haven't even met! (Russell Beland)

Your art collection becomes suspect when someone points out that the counterman in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" is wearing an iPod. (Chuck Smith)

The loan officer wouldn't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski)

You get a thin envelope from Vanity Press Inc. with a form letter saying, "Your manuscript is not in line with our editorial standards." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Your plumber wears rubber boots.

364. More Zenisims

2007-12-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

http://onwardboundhumor.blogspot.com

364. Fictitious Revelations

2007-12-19T16:53:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post Invitational
In which we asked you to supply some fictitious revelations about current or former politicians:

LBJ's mother used to pick him up by his ears. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

John Edwards's campaign has released documents proving he now pays well below the average rate not only for his haircuts, but also for his weekly manicure, pedicure and mango-avocado-yogurt facial peel. (Larry Yungk, on vacation in Bangkok)

The venue for JFK's visit to Germany was changed from Hamburg on the advice of his speechwriter. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Vice President Cheney's prolonged absences from public view reflect times he has checked into Bethesda Naval Medical Center while shedding his exoskeleton. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

In addition to fear itself, FDR was terrified of circus clowns. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Kay "Bailey" Hutchison got her nickname from her father's favorite cartoon character, Beetle Bailey. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Hubert Humphrey named all his pet cats Bogart. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob Ehrlich is the secret love child of Bob Haldeman and John Ehrlichman. (Randy Lee, Burke)

In 1989, to prevent voters and political opponents from associating him with America's enemies, Barack Moammar Castro had his name legally changed to Barack Hussein Obama. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

Joe Biden once held his breath for 12 seconds. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Though James Buchanan was the only bachelor president, he had a deep platonic relationship with rookie White House reporter Helen Thomas. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Bill Richardson has the most cleavage of any presidential candidate. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

As a kid, Steny Hoyer was never teased about his name. (Randy Lee)

Rep. Tom Tancredo once rode in a taxi driven by an illegal immigrant -- and he gave the driver a tip. (Horace Labadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Mitt Romney has never spent more than $1.50 for a haircut, as he has been bald since 1958. His current "hair" is a plastic cast made from a bust of Ronald Reagan. (Steve Fahey)

Lincoln was the first president to wear briefs. (Russell Beland)

Walter Mondale made an interesting comment on Nov. 14, 1983. (Jeff Brechlin)

Newt Gingrich was named for the New Testament. (Randy Lee)

When he was living in Indonesia, Barack Obama was enrolled in Hadassah. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

Stephen Douglas used the line "I know you are but what am I?" four times in his debate with Lincoln. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Dennis Kucinich only seems short because his wife is 8-foot-4. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Because of the troubles with subprime mortgages, the Romney campaign has yet to be able to work out its purchase of Iowa. However, they're close to settlement over New Hampshire. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Hillary Clinton has amassed a huge campaign war chest from monies freed from the accounts of Mrs. Sese Seko merely by paying administrative fees of only a few thousands of dollars US. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Sen. Larry Craig has just announced that after leaving office he will be the national spokesman for a campaign to raise awareness of Restless Leg Syndrome. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring)

Dennis Kucinich took steroids as a third-string high school quarterback, but they were placebos. (Kevin Dopart)

Early in their marriage, Dick and Lynne Cheney decided that if they had a son, they would name him Anakin. (Dale Hample)

Hillary Clinton has submitted entries to The Style Invitational 13 times since 1996, but has never seen ink. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)

363. More 1st Grader Wisdom

2007-12-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses ....... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ............ Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ............. How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.
7. No news is .................... impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ....................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ....................... Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .................. stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ..................... Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ......................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ..................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ..................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ................... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ...................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...................... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ..................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .................... see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ....................... get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand .................... is going to poop on you

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ................. Pregnant

361. What Men Know

2007-12-05T08:07:00.001-08:00

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked women.
Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi....
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

360. Some New Words From the Washington Post Invitational

2007-11-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post Invitational, Some new words made by dropping the first letter of some old words.

Amburger: my realization about myself as I'm kidnapped by cannibals. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Amished: Hungering for a simpler way of life. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Egotiation: An I for an I. (Chris Doyle

Etard: A person who constantly replies to all in e-mails directed to only one person. (Jeffrey Scharf)

Ho's Who: National registry of prominent hookers. (Chris Doyle)

Iarrhea: Running on about oneself. (Jack Held)

Irates: After 15 consecutive losing seasons, what's left of Pittsburgh's fans. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Itchhiking: Chasing a tingle from toes to tushy. (Susan Collins, Charlottesville)

Omenclature: The Homeland Security threat-level warning system. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)

Orgy-and-Bess: The Secret Truman Memoirs. (Chris Doyle)

Ouch-and-go: A dominatrix's house call. (Kevin Dopart)

359. Odds & Ends

2007-10-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

What's the difference between Europeans and Americans?
Europeans think one hundred miles is a long distance, and Americans think one hundred years is a long time.

On an American Indian's Tshirt "Fighting Terrorism Since 1492"

Sign on front door. "Please, I need all the junk mail you can spare, thank you"

Question to Christopher Dodd: "Do you think Americans have a right to know about a candidates personal life?"
Dodd: "Well, look, what's that great line? There's no such thing as a saint without a past and a sinner without a future."

From a recent New York Magazine article.
The Catastrophist View, By Duff McDonald. Oct 28, 2007
The bulls will tell you that foreign governments understand the American economy is the key to global economic health, and that they’ll suck it up and take it when we devalue their debt. To which Schiff offers another analogy. Imagine if five people were washed up on a desert island: four Asians and an American. In splitting up their duties, one Asian says he’ll fish; another will hunt, another will look for firewood, and another will cook. The American assigns himself the job of eating.

358. A Cornycopia Of One Liners

2007-10-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.
13 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

357. First Grader Answers

2007-10-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses - until they stop running.

2. Strike while the - bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of - termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but - how?

6. Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

7. No news is - impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a - Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new - math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust - me.

12. The pen is mightier than the - pigs.

13. An idle mind is - the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

15. Happy the bride who - gets lots the presents.

16. A penny saved is - not much.

17. Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and -
you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you - see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than - pregnant.

356. Zen Thoughts

2007-09-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Two Seriously (my selection from Life One)

On the other hand,you have different fingers.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand..

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

355. Male Sensitivity Test

2007-08-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

Take the test and score yourself at the bottom!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. 'This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends.'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.'

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement b efore she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

354. Mens Shopping Ages

2007-08-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,
old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the
mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot
of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and
it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and
you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at
the front door went to school with you

353. Washington Post Style Invitational Week 714

2007-07-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

Combine two or more company names to create a memorable name.

Grey Poupon and Dockers are expected to become PouponPants.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly Warner Cracker.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.

With gas prices what they are, Volkswagen and Energizer are ready to debut their joint-venture battery-powered car, the Bugs Bunny. (Ross Shepard, Deerfield, Ill.)

Whataburger, Pizza Hut, Workmate benches, Izumi sushi and Manwich sauces join forces and become WhataPizzaWorkIzuMan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

After sealing its position as the consultants of choice in the business world, Booz Allen Hamilton merges with the firm of Dames & Moore. As Booz, Dames and Moore, the new firm looks to become the consultants of choice to members of Congress. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)

Marriott hotels, Arthur D. Little consultants and L.A.M.B. clothing merge to become MarriottALittleLamb. (Chris Doyle)

Clif Bar, PowerBar, Snickers, Babar Impex and Cybarco Bahrain Ltd. thought they'd take a chance as Bar-Bar-Bar-Babar-Bahrain. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

3M, Stryker, SanDisk, Hewlett-Packard, Toys R Us and American Eagle Outfitters merge to become 3 Stryke Sand Hew R Out. (Randy Lee, Burke)

The Washington Blade, Drake's Devil Dogs and Purina Dog Chow merge to form OutDamnedSpot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Cryogenics Labs, Windows ME and Amazon.com will merge and become Cry ME a River. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Consolidate De Beers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire, and you have De Beers Indy Fridge. (Becky Moyer, Alexandria)

Hair Club for Men merged with Huggies to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It's clear that the Hanover Foods and Everlast Boxing Equipment merger will succeed Hanover Fist. (Kevin Dopart)

Harley-Davidson merged with Tide to make Hogwash. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Henckel Cutlery merged with Nike to form a defense consulting group called Cut and Run, but hasn't gotten any federal contracts, yet. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

If Massengill Co. bought up Super Fresh, California Pizza Kitchen, Fraport AG, Ballistic Recovery Systems, Microsoft Windows XP and Allergan Pharmaceuticals, they could market Super Cali FrAG'allistic XP Aller douches. (Combined from the entries of Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, and Chris Doyle)

352. Minnesotans

2007-07-25T07:24:00.000-07:00

OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEM
When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he
immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going
down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police lineup.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

SWIM COMPETITION
A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French
woman came in first, the English woman second. The Norwegian woman
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls
used deir arms."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians
invented the hole in it.

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the
first Norwegian.
"Vell," said the other one, "at dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch
any more."

BAR RIDDLE
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian
on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he
said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer
it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't, then you buy ME one Okay?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my
brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.Who vas
it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian
went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a
game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't,
YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven. "Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious,"
said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was
Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.
One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole
reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened
tew our sex relations?" he asked.
"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a
card from dem last Christmas."

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

351. Chain Letter for Men

2007-07-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

Instant Relief for Tired and Discouraged Men

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

350. Whats The Difference

2007-07-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

349. Mark Twain & H. L. Mencken Quotes

2007-06-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

Selections from Bibliotopia
Some Mark Twain Quotes
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
All you need in life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Beware of reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Some H. L. Mencken Quotes
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed ( and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

348. State Mottos SHOULD Be

2007-06-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: Dela-where?
District of Columbia: Wanna Be Mayor?
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

347. Epitaphs on Old Tombstones

2007-06-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

Epitaphs on Old Tombstones

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.

n a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the
fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

346. All Puns Intended

2007-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who
you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is
lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove
that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

(11) Once upon a time there was a king, who, because fastidious in his habits, liked to see his subjects very well dressed. But as usual, as in most cities, there were always a few street people whom he could see from his royal window,
wandering around in disarray. Finally, he tired of this sartorial criminality, and decided to punish the worst culprit, who was summarily tarred, feathered, and driven out of town, with a sign posted on his chest,
"Let the Bannishment fit the Grime!"

345. Retirement

2007-05-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Retirement

If you are retired, you understand this perfectly.
If you're not retired, eat your heart out!!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

344. How To Make A Woman Happy

2007-05-02T07:50:00.001-07:00

Subject: How To Make A Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47 be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

342. Washington Post Invitational, Week 705

2007-04-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

In which we asked for amusing analogies: Note that, unlike in the two previous analogy contests, we didn't ask for bad ones, just amusing ones. Sure, often their badness is what's funny about them, but even here, things don't always have to be bad to be good.

His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks.
(W.H. Welsh IV, Springfield)

Jim was as nervous as an albino penguin in a bowling alley.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he gets hit with the automatic external defibrillators.
(Anthony Yeznach, Wilsonville, Ore.)

Her mouth was so sensual and delicate you would never use the word "piehole" to describe it.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

She felt alone and threatened, like a fat cell on a a fashion model's thigh.
(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The point of his argument came across about as clearly as the white subtitles in "The March of the Penguins."
(Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

The truth was slippery, like a lake trout used as a ping-pong paddle.
(W.H. Welsh IV)

She was as thin as Ann Coulter after a bile-ectomy.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

He mangled his prose the way he mangled his bifocals when they fell in the blender and ruined the margaritas, which he drank anyway, which might have been why he mangled his prose.
(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Trying to keep down his anger was like trying to stuff Siamese twins into a garbage can: No matter what part you shoved down, some other part popped up.
(W.H. Welsh IV)

His life had reached a dead end, as if he had Googled "What do i do next?" and retrieved "HTTP Error 503: Service Unavailable."
(Jay Shuck)

Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads.
(Randy Lee, Burke)

The dragonfly's wing was as iridescent as the silvery purple/blue streaks in Arby's sliced roast beef.
(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Her eyes were entrancing, the pale liquid blue you see in the toilet bowl when the Ty-D-Bol tablet is almost gone.
(Dennis Lindsay)

Her emotions were a mixture of fear and joy, like when you have a really good-looking stalker.
(Kevin Marshall, South Riding)

342. A Modern Parable

2007-04-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

A Modern Parable...

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General
Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both
teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team
made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1
person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a
second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the
1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings,
dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of
getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation
days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles,
and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the
next year's racing team was out sourced to India.

The End.

341. Odds & Ends

2007-03-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

Odds & Ends

Three more definitions from the Washington Post Invitational
Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)
Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

340. Washington Post Invitational, Week 699

2007-03-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

Washington Post Invitational, Week 699 (Selected)
More definitions:

Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)
Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: "If God had wanted women to wear pants . . ." (Brendan Beary)
Tedema: That jowly Kennedy look. (Kevin Dopart)

Educrate: To teach in one of the "modules" set up "temporarily" in the parking lot of an overcrowded school. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)
Elbrow: Extremely long underarm hair. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model. (Kevin Dopart)
Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Tempress: Today, Mistress of the Domains of Chaos; tomorrow, just another loser. (Ann Martin, Annapolis)

Zencompass: Wherever you go, there you are. (Kevin Dopart)
Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays. (Janet Alexandrow, Springfield)
Ennaui: The least exciting of the Hawaiian islands. (Brendan Beary)
Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Eohoppus: A prehistoric kangaroo. (Brendan Beary)
Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio. (Karl Koerber, Crescent Valley, B.C.)
Estchew: To stay on daylight saving time. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)
Stonia: A small European country with very loose drug laws. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Innui: How you feel upon seeing the same landscape painting you saw in your last six hotel rooms. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

Erstwhale: The success story in the Jenny Craig ad. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Nestrogen: A hormone produced during pregnancy that produces cravings for wallpaper with matching borders and dust ruffles. (Brendan Beary)
Estrogent: Someone who asks if the fabulous pumps are available in a 13 1/2 E. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Excaliburp: Sword swallower's reflux. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

Excretary: The office worker who seems to spend two hours a day in the bathroom. (Jay Shuck)
Exhillaration: what Monica almost caused in Bill. (Peter Metrinko)
Experdition: The journey to Hell. (Martin Bancroft; Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Excavhate: To dredge up an old grievance during an argument. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)
Macebook.com: For warding off cyber-stalkers. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Yellowship: Cowards Anonymous. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Fiefdome: A state capitol building. (Creigh Richert, Aldie)
Foaly: A elderly horse who likes to bother young colts. (John Holder, Charlotte)
Farternity: An old boys' club. (David Franks, Wichita)

339. New Workplace Definitions

2007-03-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1) BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2) SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3) ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4) SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5) CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6) PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7) MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8) SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9) STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10) SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11) XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12) IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13) PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14) ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15) 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16) GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17) OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18) WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19) CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

338. Washington Post Invitational, Week 698

2007-03-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

Washington Post Style Invitational, Week 698

In which we sought questions that might (but even we hope would not) be asked by either the interviewer or the applicant during a job interview.

Interviewer: Assuming we're not all mowed down by the disgruntled psycho you're being hired to replace, where do you see yourself in 20 years? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Interviewer: If you could rid the world of any ethnic minority, which one would you get rid of, and why? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Interviewer: Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: Prove the Mordell-Weil theorem states for any abelian variety A over a number field K. Nah, I'm kidding. Who's your favorite serial killer? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago)

Interviewer: So, with my last assistant, I'm, like, do it. And he's, like, uch. And I'm, like, what? And he's, like, no way. Now I'm, like, I need this done. And he's, like, I'm outta here. So: Are you like that, too? (Dina Feivelson, New York)

Interviewer: Here's a picture of my mother -- do you find her attractive? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself five incarnations from now ? -- Outsource2India.com, Bangalore, India (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

Interviewer: Even though drug testing isn't part of our hiring process, could you pee in this cup anyway, just for me? (Brendan Beary)

Interviewer: Is there anything even remotely funny about Dilbert's skewering of middle management? (Stephen Dudzik)

Interviewer: We respect all faiths and creeds, of course. But to take a hypothetical situation -- let's say you were caught on the 20th floor as a fire raged. What would be the name of the deity you'd implore for help? (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Interviewer: Do you always wear such conservative dresses? (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Interviewer: What do you have to say about God for shirking work on the seventh day? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Interviewer: We're looking for a strong supervisor. Do you spank your children? How about your wife? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Interviewer: The last guy could turn his hand 360 degrees around his arm. What talent would you bring to the company? (Creigh Richert, Aldie)

Applicant: Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Applicant: So will Wal-Mart give me time off from the cash register for my union organizing duties? (Axel Brinck, Montreal)

Applicant: Are conjugal visits allowed? (Gregory James, Mitchellville)

Applicant: On Casual Fridays, can I wear my footie pajamas? (David Moss, Arlington)

Applicant: Is your pension plan still operative in event of the Rapture? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Applicant: You all don't drop everything, put candles on a cupcake and do that whole clapping-and-singing thing around somebody who's said it's his birthday, right? 'Cause I once set a guy on fire like that. I wish I could say it was accidental. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Applicant: If I don't take any bathroom breaks, can I leave work early each day? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Applicant: Is there a minimum period to qualify for severance pay? (Chuck Smith)

Applicant: Before I sit down, do you mind if I sanitize the chair? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Applicant: Would you like to see some pictures of my cats? (Jack Fiorini, Williamsburg)

Applicant: Would you mind terribly if I called you Dad? (Jay Shuck)

337. Washington Post Invitational, Week 693

2007-02-20T07:09:00.000-08:00

Washington Post Invitational, Week 693
In which we asked for fanciful sequels to actual movies. Offered by many was something like "Passion of the Christ II: The Second Coming: He's back . . . and he's mad!"

National Velvet II: After winning the Grand National steeplechase, the Pie is sent to compete in France, where he unfortunately breaks a leg and ends up befitting his name.

"Bonnie and Clyde II": The troopers just keep shooting into the car for another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Snakes on a Blimp": Hey, what's that hissing noise . . . hey, what's that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Kramer vs. Kramer: The Next Generation": Ted and Joanna reconcile and have another son. But little Cosmo goes terribly wrong. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

"Gandhi II": No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

"Upper West Side Story": The remaining Jets grow up and become bond traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

"Brokeback Molehill": Even in the rural West, some traditional attitudes are softening, so Ennis's new love interest is just no big deal. (Russell Beland)

"The Other 603 Commandments": Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai taking notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are kosher. Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which cover forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic. (Andrew Schneider, Fairfax)

"The Great Escape 2": Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt, makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

"A Brief History of Time 2: Downforce": When Stephen Hawking is dropped off a 20-story building as the result of a David Letterman prank gone horribly wrong, his valuable brain is transplanted into the nearest available body, which happens to be that of the guest immediately before Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Andrew Malone, Washington)

"War of the Worlds II": Back on Mars, the invaders smack their three-fingered hands against what passes for their foreheads, brew up a batch of penicillin and prepare to try again. (Andrew Schneider)

"Rocky 13": Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

"Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers": The brothers relocate to the Utah mountains. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"It's a Wonderful Life for You, Maybe": An angel shows an elderly George Bailey how much happier everyone he knows would be without the burden of taking care of him. (Beth Baniszewski)

"You've Got Spam": Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she'll never love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian banker. (Brendan Beary)

"Pay Per Moon": Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest life as a stripper. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

"Rear Window 2": Jeff is hired to apply his knowledge of photography, lenses and lighting to develop the first colonoscopy camera. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

"Old Yeller II: Night of the Living Dog": Rabies and a bullet to the head can't keep down a vengeful undead hound. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"Ferris Bueller's Flex Day": Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills, mowing his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he's been needing to make. (Russell Beland)

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II": Two lovers are so happy with each other that they erase everything except their memories together. Unfortunately, they thus lose the ability to drive, work and feed themselves, and they perish in a few romantic weeks. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"King Kong: The Next Generation": After her mother pretty much explodes in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New York as a 20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty quickly, but she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she single-handedly captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin)

"Raging Steer": Jake LaMotta finds that years of low blows have left him impotent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Raging Cow": This time it's Rosie O'Donnell who beats up on all comers. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

"The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4": The Jews go on to cause more trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians; 1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941, when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor. (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)

"The Red Balloon II": A balloon-propelled boy suffers a hard landing on a Parisian street, leaving him pigeon-toed, helium-voiced and missing two teeth. The locals declare him a genius. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Rent II: Mortgage": The bohos move to Loudoun County, struggle to make ends meet on their dual GS-15 salaries, and sing ballads that decry the trials and tribulations of home improvement contractors, homeowner associations, HOV lanes and mall parking. (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.)

"Groundhog Day II": Only the title is different. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

336. Perks of Being Over Fifty

2007-02-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list

335. The ATM Machine

2007-02-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver ; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

334. Wife 1.0

2007-02-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

Subj: Fw: Wife 1.0
Date: Friday, January 26, 2007 9:16:36 AM

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

333. From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 690

2007-01-30T07:09:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post Invitational, Week 690
In which we asked you to transport a comic strip character to another time or place. Many people had Sarge and Beetle not asking and not telling as they ran off to Provincetown together.

The gang from "B.C." is moved to A.D., finally allowing the cartoonist to explore Christian religious themes. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

Lucy is busted by state medical authorities for practicing psychiatry without a license after a patient tried to submit an insurance claim for 5 cents. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church)

Jeremy Duncan and his mom, who never wondered why Jeremy's best friend, Hector, looks exactly like Dr. Duncan, discover that Hector is Jeremy's half brother. Apparently the good doctor, who is also Hector's mom's dentist, filled the wrong cavity. (Rob Kloak, Springfield)

"Hagar the Horrible": Hagar has been time-traveling for years, planting old Norse relics in the Canadian Maritimes to be "discovered" by archaeologists. So anyone who tells you the Vikings reached America before Columbus has fallen for a wacky cartoon prank! (This message brought to you by the Sons of Italy organization) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Spider-Man turns 85 and has to wear Wrist-Depends. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"For Better or for Worse": Now working in the porn industry, April traces her loss of self-esteem to the day she decided to drown Farley. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

Tragedy struck Sacramento tonight as newly elected Governor of California Artur was attacked and killed by a man police have identified as a childhood acquaintance, world-renowned chess grandmaster "Big" Nate. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

1940: Mary Worth, a high school sophomore, is lecturing a student about smoking in the girls' lavatory. One girl whispers to two others: "You two grab her legs, and I'll stick Miss Goody Two Shoes' head in the toilet." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

An aged Snoopy chokes to death on a Red Baron frozen pizza; ironically, he has no life insurance. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

"Blondie" time-warped, finally, into the actual 21st century: Dagwood makes himself a plate of four-pound tapas. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

"He was here every day -- snow, rain, heat, gloom of night," recalled Dagwood Bumstead, 81, who lives on Beasley's last route. "In fact, I bumped into him just this morning. And he never spoke of any frustrations at work." (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Cath-sandra, Underappreciated Athenian Prophetess:
The Oracle of Delphi: "It is the will of Zeus that the sons of Troy will be slaughtered, their bones gnawed upon by dogs -- oh, and this year's swimwear will be French-cut."

"Curtis": Undercover agents Derrick and Onion arrest Gunther for running a bookmaking operation from his barbershop. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"Dennis the Menace," 2036: Under hypnosis, an aging Courtney Love reveals: "That dumb ol' Dennis would never have tea with me. Too prissy, huh? Yeah, what the @#$ does he think now?" (Mary Ann Henningsen)

Still extremely short and no less annoying, a middle-aged Dennis the Menace earns the stinging wrath of his home town when he buys the local football team and runs it straight into the ground. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

Dilbert: How do I get rid of this leftover polonium?
Walski: I throw mine into the fish tank at that sushi restaurant. (Martin Bancroft)

"The Family Circus": With an irrational fear that dead relatives are always watching her, 29-year-old Dolly Keane remains a virgin. (Kevin Dopart)

Baghdad, circa 820:
Frank: I hear that Al-Khwarizmi the mathematician is using zeros!
Ernest: Yes, aught-ism runs in his family! (Peter Metrinko)

Garfield grows so fat that he takes up the whole panel, not allowing any other characters or even dialogue to appear. This is generally seen as an improvement. (Art Grinath)

"Peanuts": The Washington Nationals hire Charlie Brown, 65, as general manager, stating: "He's worked with teams composed of nothing more than a bunch of no-talent kids, a dog and a whining girl -- which makes him perfect for us." (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Zippy moves to 1950s France to become a playwright but is lambasted by critics as "too accessible . . . a simplistic sellout to the masses." He tries to atone by writing a two-person "Oresteia" for Jerry Lewis and a rhinoceros, but by then his reputation is in tatters, and all is lost. In a final kiss-off protest, he bathes. (Brendan Beary)

332. Buying Viagra

2007-01-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

From ZUG, the world's only comedy site.
http://zug.com/

OKAY, OKAY, I'LL BUY THE VIAGRA!

Sweet Lord. How many e-mails do the Viagra people have to send me? "73% off VIAGRA!" they scream at me. "We've slashed prices because of the competition!!", which is exactly the kind of thing you want to hear coming from your pharmacist. "dan Theresa amanda Butthead nothing abgrossm steph quebec Doobie!" the e-mails triumphantly conclude, bypassing my spam filter. "sparky jesus1 groin infection!"
I get a hundred of these e-mails a day. Clearly, the online Viagra people know something about my penis that I don't.
So my reasoning went like this: maybe if I bought some of their sweet precious Viagra, they would shut the hell up. As a bonus, I would actually own some Viagra, which I could use to surprise my wife on Valentine's Day. "Oh, darling!" my wife would exclaim. "Twelve hours of painful, nonstop intercourse? You shouldn't have!"
So I did it. I took the bait. I spent a day surfing the Viagra sites, and I was shocked by what I found. I had expected unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice. Instead, I found unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice from people dressed up to look like doctors.

Here's Dr. Alec Broers from the renowned medical journal s95forcheapmeds.nepzzz.com, who claims "This product is 100% SAFE medically tested in labs, and by myself personally." Which means that Dr. Broers is impotent. Ha ha! "I happen to know this drug will work," went the second (and more revealing) part of Dr. Broers' endorsement, "because I myself have a limp, sagging penis." You'll notice they don't mention what kind of doctor he is. That's because he is a doctor of love.
Site after site I visited. Sites with trustworthy, dependable names like PillStore, PlanetPills, and KwikMed. A little-known fact is that every Viagra site offers the lowest prices on Viagra. And all lowest prices are "guaranteed."
In the end, I went with AmeriMedRx.com, which offered me the cheapest deal on Viagra (guaranteed), and two-day shipping to boot. I entered my credit card information, but then hit a roadblock. It seems you need to provide actual medical information in order to receive your Viagra. So I filled out the form as honestly as I could:
Patient First Name: John
Patient Last Name: Hargrave
Patient Height: 5'7"
Patient Weight 165 lbs
Patient Gender: Male
Birthdate: 04 April, 1969

Please list all medications you are currently taking:
Ibuprofen, Tyenol, Astirin, Caffeine, Nicotine
Marijuana, Alcohol, Nitrous Oxide (not since high school)
The Apprentice (addicted to it!), Liza

Please list all allergies:
Animals: Cats, dogs, horses, llamas, ferrets, Star Jones
Trees: birch, beech, maple, oak, elm, the mighty scotch pine,
Music: Linkin Park, Metallica

Please list any medical conditions for which you are currently being treated:
Asthma, hang nails.

Please explain the specific reason for ordering this medication:
I want to make sweet, sweet love all night long.

Any additional information you'd like to share?
I once masturbated into a grapefruit.

I could only hope that Dr. Alec Broers would be the one to review my application. He's the love doctor. He would understand.

Part 2: Prank phone call to Viagra vendor

So I ordered some Viagra via the AmeriMed web site, a "discreet, safe and confidential" online pharmacy where you can "SUPER SAVE" on everything from painkillers to herpes medication.
I couldn't believe that I actually had to prove that I needed Viagra before they'd send it to me, though. I mean, my regular drug dealer doesn't ask me for a physical before he sells me marijuana. Usually a doctor's note will suffice.
I didn't think anyone was really reading the applications, though, so I filled it out with wacky, albeit truthful, answers. A few days later, I received my "discreet, safe, and confidential" response:

"Dear John: We are unable to prescribe the medication you requested."

Hey, this really was just like dealing with a real doctor! I received the same careful, thoughtful explanation that I usually receive from my own physician.
Still, I wanted a little more information on why my Viagra prescription was being turned down, so I called AmeriMed customer service and gave them my tracking number.

AMERIMED: Thank you for calling AmeriMed, I'm Evelyn, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I recently put in an order for a prescription, and I was denied. The response you guys sent me was actually rather rude.

AM: All right ... what were you ordering?

JH: Viagra.

AM: OK, let's see. [Pause] It looks like it was denied because the doctor couldn't find the medical necessity, and probably because of all the excess medications you're taking.

JH: Such as?

AM: Ah ... you do smoke marijuana?

JH: Only in the shower.

AM: Prednisone, Azmacort, Alupent ... do you have asthma?

JH: Only since I started smoking marijuana.

AM: Well, [Viagra] is one medication he would prefer ... he would prefer you see a doctor. It's for your benefit, it's not an insult, it's simply that he feels that for your health, you should see a local doctor.

JH: But your web site says that AmeriMed was founded to help me avoid "an embarrassing conversation with my personal physician."

AM: Uh huh, but that's if it's approved ... this physician is not going to approve it.

JH: Is there another physician we could ask?

AM: No, we are very strict in our regulations, and we have to ask that you go see a local doctor.

JH: Look, Evelyn. I need a longer erection in my penis. Can you help me with this?

AM: I wish that I could help you, but I can't. I suggest you see a local doctor.

JH: Don't you understand that I have a condition? I am not well!

AM: Sir, I ...

JH: I can sometimes only make love for one hour. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I mean, you're a woman. You know what I'm talking about here, don't you?

AM: I do understand, however again, I can't help you. You're going to have to see your local doctor.

JH: I don't believe this. Evelyn, listen to me: I can only sustain an erection for one hour, two hours tops.

AM: I realize that, and I don't mean to be insensitive. Again, I'm ... this isn't meant as an insult to you personally. We just can't help you, unless you can get a prescription from your local doctor.

JH: Would you deny medication to a dying child?

AM: I don't...

JH: Well, my penis is like a dying child.

AM: [Growing increasingly agitated] Sir, I cannot continue this conversation.

JH: How about you guys send me the Viagra, bill me an extra $50, and we'll call it even.

AM: I cannot do that, you're asking me to not only compromise my licensing, but...

JH: Oh, you guys are licensed?

AM: [Clearly offended] Yes.

JH: Oh! Oh ... oh. Oh. Well, that's a different story.

AM: You're asking me to compromise my licensing, and we simply cannot do this.

JH: Look, Evelyn. Would you be willing to personally fill the prescription for me, and maybe I can pay you for your services?

AM: Mr. Hargrave, I cannot continue this conversation. I have other calls to attend to.

JH: Could we meet up in an alley somewhere?

AM: All right, I'm going to take this call rather offensively. I'm letting you know that this is an offensive conversation, and I am going to hang up.

JH: Evelyn, Evelyn. Before you go. Listen.

AM: Yes.

JH: Think you can score me some Oxycontin?

[Hang up]
So apparently, these places are a little touchy about that kind of thing. But the question remained: what would I have to do to score some V-Bone?

Part 3: The Viagra arrives

The secret to ordering drugs online, I discovered, is that you have to lie.

Can you believe that? You have to lie in order to get the Viagra. See, when their online form asks why you're ordering the drug, instead of writing:
"I want to make sweet, sweet love all night long"
You're supposed to say: "Male sexual function problems (erection problems)
My Viagra arrived a few days later, filled by a Spanish pharmacy in Miami. "No detailed information is available about this drug," said the packing slip pictured at right -- which was disturbing, since the official Viagra site has a 1,700-word fact sheet on the dangers of the drug, including the terrifying spectre of "permanent damage to the penis." As I found out later, the permanent damage to the penis can occur because of excessive sex, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Consult your pharmacist if you have questions," the packing slip continued. Now, do they mean my regular pharmacist, or the shady Cuban pharmacist who sold me an FDA-regulated drug over the Internet? Somebody clear this up for me.
With shipping, it ran me $100 for the three tablets pictured here, but that was a small price to pay for what I was about to do with it. You see, I was most intrigued by this claim on the Viagra web site:
You will not get an erection just by taking this medicine. VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited.
There was only one way to test this outlandish claim: I would take Viagra at the one place I knew I wouldn't get sexually excited, and then I'd see what happened.
I would take Viagra in church.

Part 4: Taking Viagra in church

There we were, a normal American family going to church: Mom, Dad, and our two-year-old. Except unbeknownst to those around us, Dad was hopped up on Viagra.
There was only one way of testing the crazy claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." I had to take Viagra in the least sexy place I could think of: church.
To be fair, I didn't take the Viagra in church. I took the Viagra before church, since the official web site advises, "Take VIAGRA about one hour before you plan to have sex." This is great for those of us who plan our sex on a schedule. I have Microsoft Outlook configured to pop up a reminder when I've got a sex appointment in 15 minutes. Sometimes my wife has to plan two, three months ahead to get on my sex calendar.
So the three of us made our way into the sanctuary, and sat in the back row. I had no idea what was going to happen, and since the Viagra literature also warns of "permanent damage to the penis," among other side effects, I wanted to have an escape route planned. If I felt permanent penis damage coming on, at least I'd be able to pull someone aside for some quick prayer, and maybe the laying on of hands.
I had to use the digital camera on my PalmPilot, lest I draw attention to myself.
After the organ prelude (heh), the service started. I sat quietly, listening to the choir, closely watching my lap for any popup ads. Let's just say that I was "Spocking it," i.e., exercising mind control to keep it down, a technique I perfected during ninth grade gym class. Still, when it came time for the children's sermon, I had a partially inflated balloon animal on my hands. Smirking, my wife asked me if I wanted to take the toddler down to the front of the sanctuary with the other kids. "Honey, that kind of thing is frowned upon here," I whispered. "This is a Protestant church."
Following the children's sermon, my wife and son went to play in the kids' room, and I was left alone with my increasingly turgid thoughts. I flipped through my pew Bible to follow along with the Old Testament reading, and what page should I open to but the exceedingly horny SONG OF SONGS:

Not wanting to read, but unable to look away, I scanned down to the next steamy passage:
In my pants stirred our 28th President, Woodrow Wilson.
I tried to listen to the sermon, but I could not focus. My head felt very hot, as if blood were rushing to my face. So did my marriage tackle, which was slowly engorging over the thought of those hot, wet Bible verses. And it didn't help that the young woman a few rows in front of me was wearing tight blue jeans.
Curse these modern churches and their liberal dress codes!
Fortunately, I had brought along my overcoat, which I strategically placed across my lap as I tried to finish out the rest of the service. Man, I never realized how much standing you do in church. Sit, stand. Sit, stand. It's like a friggin' aerobics routine. Fortunately, the church bulletin had a footnote: "Those who are able, please stand."
Needless to say, I didn't.
In summary, I think the Viagra people should update their claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." They should add, "...but anything will get him sexually excited, including the Holy Word of God."
So there you have it. If it's true that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven," then I must be the best Christian in the world. After church, I met up with my wife, who looked at my puffy, reddened face and said, "You're swollen."
"You don't know the half of it," I said.
Later, however, she would not only know the half of it, but four and a half of it.

Part 5: What Viagra feels like

So my little experiment of taking Viagra in church resulted in a rush of blood to the old man, as I predicted. After the service, however, my wife and I had the entire afternoon free. And it's a good thing.
Let me clear up one thing: Viagra does not help you last longer. If you can only fish for three or four minutes before spilling the chowder, Viagra will not help you there. As I was writing this piece, for instance, I had a little joke about Viagra helping me to last for 12 to 15 hours, as opposed to "the 12 to 15 minutes I usually am able to provide my wife." Jade read this and said: "Make it 12 to 15 seconds." So that should give you an idea of where I'm, ah, coming from.
But it's the recovery, my friends, that really works. There is no down time. Rebooting (or should I say, "rebootying) is instantaneous. You're the Insatiable Loggerman. It's like the Energizer Bunny, if, instead of banging that drum, he was banging the crap out of his gay lover. That's what the drum represents, you know. That rabbit is as gay as a French horn.
Anyway, partway into the seventeenth or eighteenth time, I suddenly realized that my wife hadn't taken a drug. She was this way naturally. Do you see what I'm, ah, driving at here? Suddenly I was made aware of how little I had been doing all these years to satisfy my wife! Viagra SUCKS!
"You know, honey," I said several hours later, after we had finished hosing down the walls and laundering the bedsheets, "we've still got two pills left."
She looked crestfallen. "Only two?!" she cried.
In conclusion, I must urge the men out there: stay away from Viagra. It is a Pandora's box of truth. Despite how much you may want to get into Pandora's box, Viagra will force you to gaze at the hideous reality: men are lousy lovers.

331. A Few Woody Allens

2007-01-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I am at two with nature.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

330. Top Seventeen Country Songs

2006-12-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

Top 17 Country Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman,
But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

329. Merry Christmas

2006-12-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

For My Democratic Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Am erica great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher

For My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

328. The Worm Theory

2006-12-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon on the evils of overindulgence.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive and well.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
An elderly woman sitting in the back quickly rose her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, eat chocolate, and don't eat dirt you won't have worms!"

327. Wives

2006-11-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

1) 'When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.'
Sacha Guitry
2) 'After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.'
Hemant Joshi
3) 'By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.'
Socrates
4) 'Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.'
Dumas
5) 'I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.'
Anonymous
6) 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henry Youngman
7) 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran
8) 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray
9) Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
10) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
11) 'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.'
Rodney Dangerfield
12) 'A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.'
Milton Berle

From: Jewish-News-Humor mailing list
>http://lists.sonic.net/mailman/listinfo/jewish-news-humor

326. Things I'm Thankful For

2006-11-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

Washington Post Invitational
Things I'm Thankful For (689)

1) I'm thankful that Kim Jong II doesn't have an evil twin. (Art Grinath)
2) That someone found my grandmother attractive (Tim Vanderlee)
3) That I'm tall enough that I can't smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy)
4) We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter)
5) That dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar)
6) For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. ( Bob Dalton)
7) That I learned that x=3 and y=4, so now I'll be able to help my son with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin)
8) That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath)

325. Synagogue Seating Arrangements

2006-11-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

From: http://www.haruth.com/jhumorlink.

During, the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
Talking section
No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
Stock market
Sports
Medicine
General gossip
Specific gossip (choose:)
The rabbi
The cantor
The cantor's voice
The cantor's significant other
Fashion news
What others are wearing
Why they look awful
Your neighbors
Your relatives
Your neighbors' relatives
Presidential Election (uh oh)
Sex (Preference):______________________
Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
Doctor
Dentist
Nutritionist
Psychiatrist
Child psychiatrist
Podiatrist
Chiropractor
Stockbroker
Accountant
Lawyer
Criminal
Civil
Real estate agent
Architect
Plumber
Buyer (Specify store:____________
Sexologist
Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
Other:___________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
On the aisle
Near the exit
Near the window
In Aruba
Near the bathroom
Near my in-laws
As far away from my in-laws as possible
As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
Near the pulpit
Near the Kiddush table
Near single men
Near available women
Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
Mother-in-Law
Ex-In-Laws
Rabbi's wife
The cantor's significant other

Your name:________________________________

Building fund pledge: $________________________

324. News From the "Other" Border

2006-11-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the
exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the
other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North
Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if
I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I
didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk"

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found o ne carload
without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little
Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,"
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and
pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure
liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some
Peter, Paul &Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species
on pos tage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

323. A Simple Question

2006-11-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

From: http://www.haruth.com/
A Simple Question

Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
“How old are you?” asked the attorney.
“I am, kin ahora, 82.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I am, kin ahora, 82 years old.”
“Please just give a simple answer to my question,” said the attorney.
“How old are you?”
“Kin ahora, 82,” replied Abe.
The judge intervened: “If you don’t want to be held in contempt of court,
the witness will answer the question and only the question.”
The defense counsel then got up and said to the judge, “Your Honor, may I
ask the witness?” and turned toward Abe.
“Kin ahora, how old are you?”
Abe replied, “82.”

322. Talmud for Gentiles

2006-10-31T16:23:00.000-08:00

From http://www.haruth.com/
Talmud for Gentiles

The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him, "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew.
There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean.
Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney.
One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"All right," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"

321. The Old Cowboy

2006-10-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

320. More Puns

2006-10-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

A Great Pun Is Its Own Re-Word

1. Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a "peeping tome?"
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an "I" for an "I."
17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
19. A backwards poet writes inverse.
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
25. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium-at-large.
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
32. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

319. Not Like Me

2006-10-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

From http://www.haruth.com/

Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”
“Who’s Saul?” asks Max.
“Saul Gold, of course,” says the cabbie, “now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I need something.”
“No one’s perfect,” says Max.
“Except Saul,” says the cabbie. “Saul was a great athlete and could have played football for the 49ers. Not like me — I’m just a couch potato.”
“So am I,” says Max.
“And,” says the cabbie, “Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I’ve got two left feet.”
“Sounds like Saul was really someone special,” says Max.
“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure.”
“Wow,” says Max, “there aren’t many men around like Saul.”
The cabbie continues. “And Saul knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on Shabbat dinner. Not like me. I’m always getting into arguments with my wife.”
“What an amazing person,” says Max. “How did you meet him?”
“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Max.
“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie.

318. Apples and Wine

2006-10-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top
of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes
take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

317. Cullings III

2006-10-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

Cullings III

Movie Sequels Nobody Wants To See:
Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back
Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity
Babe III: Great Bacon Recipes
Dumbo: First Blood
Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse
Lawrence of Bulgaria
Gone With The Wind II: Can Irritable Bowel Syndrome Cause Death?

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn:
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your true friends love you, anyway.

"Hell is being in heaven and not liking it." Bud Shrake
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.Today, it's called golf.

A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

316. Cullings II

2006-10-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Jewish proverb with universal application.
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

P.S. Do you know that the word ‘gullible’ doesn’t appear in every English dictionary? Do you have one of the rare dictionaries that include this word?

She's Lying If You Hear...
It happens to all men.
Size doesn't matter
Great, I'd love to hang out with your mother.
Don't be silly. I like taking the bus.

What's the difference between the Soviet Constitution and the United States Constitution?
The Soviet Constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of gathering. The American Constitution guarantees freedom after speech and freedom after gathering.

America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

Some Differences Between Men And Women...
When the bill arrives the four men will each throw in $20 even if the bill is nowhere near that amount....none of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want any change back. When the girls get the bill out comes the pocket calculator.

A man has six items in his bathroom..... a tooth brush, a comb, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap and a towel he stole from the :"Holiday Inn." The average number of items a typical woman has in her bathroom is 337. However she is ever ready for any emergency that may arise.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no point in two people remembering the same thing.

315. Cullings I

2006-10-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. Herb Caen

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Sam Levenson

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. GBS

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. Russell Lynes

We all have the strength to endure the misfortunes of others. La Rochefoucauld

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. Judith Martin

It takes ten years to get used to how old you are.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orben

Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis. Garrison Keillor

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? Ronnie Shakes

There are some extremely sharp investment advisors who can get you in at the bottom of the market. There are some extremely sharp ones who can get you out at the top.
They are never the same people.
Gary North

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

314. Blonde And Dummy

2006-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,
he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching our
full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discriminating against not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit
on your knee."

313. Washington Post, Bad Advice, #673

2006-10-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

673. Washington Post Invitational, Bad Advice to Immigrants (Selected)

Those silver or white bidets in office hallways are available for either sex to use. Shorter people can use the lower ones. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg)

If you're not sure exactly what someone said to you in English, it's always polite to respond, "That's so gay" or "God, that's retarded." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Stand at a freeway on-ramp with a handwritten sign that says, "Will work for green card." (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)

During the Pledge of Allegiance, place your right hand either over your heart or under your armpit. If you choose the latter, after the words "and justice," pause to punctuate the Pledge with a patriotic toot. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Looking for a nice park where you can spread out a picnic blanket? In the U.S.A., we call that "scoring grass" -- just ask any policeman where's the closest place to score some. (G. Smith, Reston)

It's not posted, but in Washington, D.C., there's always free parking on a "state" avenue if your car has a license plate from that state. They don't publicize that so that Maryland and Virginia avenues don't get too crowded. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If you make a down-and-up "check" motion with your finger, the waitress will bring your bill. And if you stand up, wave one arm and grab your crotch with the other, she will show you to the restroom. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

When you select a name for your bogus ID card, use "Lou Dobbs," a common name in the U.S. that no one will notice. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

They may not taste good or seem filling, but you really should eat all your food stamps every month. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

To make sure he doesn't spread germs in a public place, such as a bank, a man suffering from a runny nose customarily wears a bandanna over the lower half of his face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Make sure there aren't any ink blots on the letter you send your new congressman: Dust it with talcum powder or flour before you send it. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

If you're unfamiliar with Washington's Metrorail system, make sure you take your first ride during rush hour. That way there are sure to be hundreds of people who can help you figure out how to use the Farecard machine and turnstile. (Lois Bangiolo, Gaithersburg)

To pay the bill in a restaurant, stand, face the waiter, count out loud the exact amount, and then add two pennies, preferably shiny new ones. (Drew Bennett)

British visitors should remind the former colonists how much they've missed by being isolated from Britain and the Continent, not to mention how they've bastardized the language. And don't forget to comment upon their odd names. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

White people will be offended unless you address them as "Mister Cracker Sir." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Using indoor plumbing every single time just makes you look uppity. (Russell Beland)

Americans are very friendly. Always say hello and shake hands with the man at the urinal next to you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

When asked if you have anything to declare, wink at the customs officer. If he does not respond, wink again. Continue to wink until someone allows you to pass. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville)

As a foreigner, you should carry handy maps of several major U.S. cities. Be sure to circle any interesting buildings, tunnels, etc., that you want to see, and print out from the Internet as much detailed information about them as you can. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

America is a very fast-paced society, so you must drive even faster than you do at home. The fastest drivers are cheered on with noisemakers and flashing lights. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

American farms are all pick-your-own, so just drive in and dive in! This includes beef and dairy farms. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

If you disapprove of the war in Iraq, protest it by burning your green card. (Ned Andrews, Charlottesville)

Your country probably has a deep, abiding passion for that goofy sport where people run around kicking a ball and nothing happens. So do we! So come on, talk about it with us all day long -- we just can't get enough! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

You see those guys with "Minutemen" on their shirts? That means they're more than happy to give you a minute of their time. Just go up to them, tell them you've just crossed the border and say, "I'd like you to help me out." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel; Jay Shuck)

Remember when flying in the States to bring your own cutlery for the sumptuous airline meal. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

At sporting events, you're allowed to stone people who do the wave. Please. (Russell Beland)

To meet your neighbors, it is customary to play very loud music starting around 8 p.m. on Sunday, but don't be surprised if they don't start coming over until after midnight. (Drew Bennett)

And Last: A good way to fit in is to wear these super-trendy T-shirts with "Loser" written on them. You don't see many because most people can't afford them, but I'll let you have one for just 50 bucks. (Russell Beland)

312. Self-Test For Literature Abuse

2006-09-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Self-Test for Literature Abuse: How many of these apply to you?
( From http://toniaizu.home.netcom
After having this up for over a year, I finally received a note from the author, Michael McGrorty. Thanks for this delightful quiz, Michael!)
1) I have read fiction when I was depressed or to cheer myself up.
2) I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3) I read rapidly, often "gulping" chapters.
4) I sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5) I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
6) Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7) Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8) I often read alone.
9) I have pretended to watch television while secretly reading.
10) I keep books or magazines in the bathroom for a "quick nip."
11) I have denied or "laughed off" criticism of my reading habit.
12) Heavy reading has caused conflicts with my family or spouse.
13) I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
14) I seldom leave my house without a book or magazine.
15) When travelling, I pack a large bag full of books.
16) At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
17) Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
18) I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I finished a novel.
19) I become nervous, disoriented, or fearful when I must spend more
than 15 minutes without reading matter.
20) I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
21) I have sold books to support my reading "habit."
22) I have daydreamed about becoming a rich & famous writer, or "word-pusher."
23) I have attempted to check out more library books than is permitted.
24) Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
25) I have sometimes passed out or woken groggy or "hung-over" after a
night of heavy reading.
26) I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
27) I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
28) I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
29) Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to five or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to ten or more indicates a serious reading problem --seek help now! Fifteen or more "yes" responses indicates a severe or chronic "readaholic" personality. Intervention is seldom effective at this stage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Additions to Michael's Test
Individuals from a Georgette Heyer list and visitors to this site have added their questions to the above test. Thanks to all who have shared.
...and from ARGH (Abused Readers of Georgette Heyer)
Laura A. Wallace added:
30) When you shop for furniture, do you always look at bookshelves?
31) Do you try to convince yourself that you don't really need other furniture, so that you can justify getting rid of it, so that you can buy more bookshelves?
32) Do some of your bookshelves have books at least two rows deep?
33) Do you bring a large cardboard box with you to library book sales?
34) When you last moved (i.e., changed place of residence), did you have more than ten boxes of books? And did you refuse to consider getting rid of any books to reduce the weight and cost of your move?

Cos added:
35) You don't buy a handbag unless you are sure that a book will fit in it.
36) You don't go ANYWHERE without a book.
37) You take a book to the choir practice just to sneak a look at it when the choir director is giving directions to the other voices.
38) You are able to read and walk at the same time.

Daniel added:
39) You refuse to buy jackets or coats unless they have at least one pocket big enough to hold a book. Well, at least I have an excuse. I need them to hold my notepads and pens so that people can talk to me and I to them.
40) You read novels when you should be writing essays on the Classical lifestyle.
41) You read your set texts for English during Classical Studies lectures. (Before anyone asks why I'm doing Classical Studies, it's not really my choice, it's the compulsory third course that all students must do, choosing from a list, and is usually dropped after 2 terms.)
42) You go psychotic when anybody badmouths your favourite authors. (DON'T ASK)
43) When given a book-token, your first thought is - "That's nowhere near enough!!"
44) You can't find the books you want so you write the kind of books you want....
45) You re-read the books you wrote to be the kind of books you want. because you couldn't find the books you wanted, and then want more of the same so you write some more books and then re-read them.

...and from visitors...
Gail Taylor added:
46) You go to the toilet for the express purpose of a few minutes of quiet reading time.
47) You catch a bus to work rather than drive because it gives you all that waiting and sitting time to read.
48) You own several copies of the classics, not to mention your favourite books.
49) You have more books loaned to friends and family than your friends and family OWN.
50) Your friends never use the phrase: "Have you read...." to you because they know you have.
51) You are currently reading about 4 books at once.
52) You read the book BEFORE the movie comes out.
53) You'll read anything new just because it's something you HAVEN'T read already.
54) You answer all the literature questions on quiz shows before the host
finishes the question.
55) While reading this you have a book open on your desk so you can read it while waiting for the computer.
(Sorry, I have to go, I'm just getting to the GOOD bit in my book!)

Gwen Hershiser added:
58) Even though on crutches, recovering from surgery, you are unable to resist an invitation to visit a bookstore.
59) You are unable to dine without a book propped up in front of your plate.
60) You hide your current reading inside a hymnbook, in order to continue
reading during the church service.
61) You beg your child to let you read aloud the next chapter of
"Harry Potter" at his bedtime.

311. American Lit Abuse Society (ALAS)

2006-09-29T06:45:00.000-07:00

From http://toniaizu.home.netcom
After having this up for over a year, I finally received a note from the author, Michael McGrorty. Thanks for this delightful quiz, Michael!

Are You a Literature Abuser?

Literature Abuse: American's Hidden Affliction
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse (or "readaholism") has risen to crisis levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

Causes of Problem Reading
Excessive reading during pregnancy is the major cause of prenatal LA among the children of heavy readers. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, it leaves its tiny victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Siblings of abusers are also likely to become literature abusers. Spouses of an abuser may themselves become problem readers.
Other predisposing factors: parents who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television.

Social Costs of Literature Abuse
Abusers become withdrawn and uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy and daydream about "castles in the air," while neglecting work, friends, and family. In severe cases "problem readers" develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions, or from carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

Heredity
It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

Other Predisposing Factors
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

Prevention
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

Warning
"Reading Addiction" has been classified as "behavior with a significant voluntary component," as defined in the Beatty-Eisner Amendment. If you are declared a "known literature abuser," you will become INELIGIBLE for SSA disability payments and/or ADA protections. Your fate is likely to be a life of poverty and despair, drifting from one dead-end job to another, as you wallow shamelessly in the causes of your addiction.
Return to Table of Contents

Little Known Side Effects of Literature Abuse (Eleanor Dinkins)
LA sufferers often develop such a love of words that words spilling into their daily intercourse with others, so a wise therapist will look for these side effects.
LA sufferers occasionally confound others with pretentious displays of multi-syllabic words and unstinted forays into immoderate puns.
In about .5% of one test group that had been deprived of books for a period of 3 months, test subjects resorted to creating crossword puzzles, word searches, anagrams, palindromes, double entendres, spoonerisms, malapropisms, limericks, tautologies, and other such word games to indulge their cravings for words.
A small percentage of LA victims become unnecessarily concerned with word origins and have been known to search etymologies from contemporary jargon back to Romance language roots, to Latin, and finally to original grunts and cave paintings.
Another side-affect of Literature Abuse is synonym abuse. LA sufferers will spend inordinate amounts of time searching through the lexicon for the most precisely descriptive word to fit a sentence; i.e., which synonym is better to describe their conversation... is it chitchatting, babbling, quarreling, wrangling, arguing, debating, discussing, talking, ad nauseum.

310. Washington Post Invitational #674, Contrast Two Words

2006-09-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

In which we asked you to compare or contrast two words that differ by one letter:

Osama and Osaka: Given five years, the CIA might find Osaka. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Whores and chores: My wife has never given me a list of whores to do on my day off. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Bra and bar: Only one of them will open to serve drinks to minors. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Genial and genital: It's okay to greet your neighbors with a genial wave. But its not okay to ........... (Brendan Beary)

There's no difference between PBS and PMS. They both put me in a state of blind, irrational fury. Then again, so does pretty much everything else. -- A. Coulter (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

God and GOP: It's hard to protect yourself from acts of either. (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.)

Bondo and Bonds: One is a synthetic body filler; the other is a body filled with synthetics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bird and Byrd: One goes with white wine, the other with pork. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Vader and Nader: Darth ultimately failed to empower the Dark Side. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

Fast supper and Last Supper: One involves a happy meal. (Art Grinath)

Yuri and Suri: One is known for a little cruise made by a space scientist; the other is a little Cruise made by a spacey Scientologist. (Veggo Larsen, Palmetto, Fla.)

Copulating and populating: One is when two people become one; the other is when two people become three. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

The difference between a stud and a spud: About 10 years of marriage. (Chris Doyle)

World Cup and World Cop: Two things the United States is really lousy at. (Kevin Dopart)

The difference between Mt. McKinley and Mr. McKinley is, oh, about 20,325 feet. Plus 6. (Chris Doyle)

Rome and Rove: Only one of them got sacked. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

[from OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com]

309. Bush Postpones 2008 Election

2006-09-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Cites Constitutional Power to Protect Nation's Security

WASHINGTON, June 21, 2008. President Bush, citing his authority as
Commander in Chief of the armed forces and his inherent constitutional
power over foreign affairs, today ordered a postponement of the 2008
presidential election in order "to protect the American people in our
war on terror."

In a speech during a surprise visit to Baghdad, where he celebrated the
summer solstice with the troops, Mr. Bush told the nation that the
election will be "rescheduled as soon as a change in leadership does not
create a security threat and not a second later. When the Iraqis stand
up, we'll vote."

"Elections are important," the President acknowledged. "I know that. I
believe in elections. I'm President because of an election, sort of. But
protecting the nation from another 9/11 is more important than holding
an election precisely on time."

The President noted that as Commander in Chief, he had already approved
telephone wiretapping without court warrant, incarcerated alleged "enemy
combatants" indefinitely without trial and, in a February 2002 order,
now rescinded, had authorized the armed forces to ignore the Geneva
Conventions when "consistent with military necessity," so long as
everyone was treated "humanely."

"If I can do all that, I can defer an election," the President
said. "Look, as between not voting on time and getting locked up without
all those Geneva rules and such, which is worse?"

In a Washington press conference following the President's speech,
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales laid out the legal basis for his
department's conclusion that the President could postpone the election.

"Legally, it's simple," Mr. Gonzales said. "It depends on what the
meaning of 'four years' is. The Constitution says the President 'shall
hold his office during the term of four years.' It does not say 'only
four years' or 'four years and not a day more.' The Framers intended
'four years' to be a preference, not a rigid number. We should not take
it literally any more than the words 'hold his office' means no woman
can be President. A woman is running now.

"Time meant something different in 1789," Mr. Gonzales added. "This was
before airline schedules and self-winding watches. People didn't run
their lives by the clock. Many Americans didn't have clocks."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Joseph Lieberman (IND-Conn.) supported
the President's decision. "While I do not believe we should lightly
suspend the exercise of the franchise," he said, "protection of the
nation cannot be and must not be a partisan issue. As Americans, we can
all agree that security is the most important job of a President. We can
have a country without an election, but we cannot have an election
without a country. It's as simple as that."

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), the likely Democratic nominee,
had no immediate comment, but her office said she will hold a news
conference following the results of early polling. A spokesperson for
her campaign, granted anonymity because she was not authorized to speak
to the press about anything, said the senator "is absolutely opposed to
postponing the election as such, but she is amenable to rescheduling the
day designated for the actual vote. There is a difference."

Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa.), chairman of the Judiciary Committee, said
he was "troubled" that he had not been consulted on the President's
decision. He vowed to "hold hearings following the day that should have
been election day if I am chairman of the committee at that time.
Unfortunately, we're backlogged on judicial nominations at the moment,
and then there's the summer recess. People have plans and non-refundable
tickets."

At his press conference, Mr. Gonzales denied that the Supreme Court's
2006 rejection of military tribunals meant that the President could not
delay an election. That decision, known as Hamdan, rested on federal
statutes and the Geneva Accords. "Hamdan was about trials, not voting,"
he explained. "Geneva doesn't apply to voting. It's a mistake to confuse
the two."

Asked if he expected a court challenge to the President's decision, Mr.
Gonzales said he was "resigned to the prospect that some may cynically
try to use this for their own political advantage." But he added that he
was "confident that if the case reaches the Supreme Court, five Justices
will agree with our interpretation of 'four years.'"

The above piece is from the current issue of The Nation magazine. It was written by Stephen Gillers, Law Professor at New York University. In case your mystified, this is a satire. But sometimes in a mad world, satires turn into reality.

308. Child Support Agency Replies

2006-09-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

The following are reputedly replies included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing details about the father:

* Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

* I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

* I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

* I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

* I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

* I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

* I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

* John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

* From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

* So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, my eggs might have remained unfertilised.

307. What A Women Wants In A Man!

2006-09-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Original List:(Age 18-31)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers! punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
[From OnwardBoundHumor.blogspot.com[

306. Wahington Post - Bad Analogies

2006-09-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Bad analogies from the Washington Post Invitational

1) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4) She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21) The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23) The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

305. English Signs In Foreign Counries

2006-09-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED
AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
A Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.
From: onwardboundhumor.blogspot.com