Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Monday, July 30, 2007

353. Washington Post Style Invitational Week 714

Combine two or more company names to create a memorable name.

Grey Poupon and Dockers are expected to become PouponPants.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Poly Warner Cracker.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.

With gas prices what they are, Volkswagen and Energizer are ready to debut their joint-venture battery-powered car, the Bugs Bunny. (Ross Shepard, Deerfield, Ill.)

Whataburger, Pizza Hut, Workmate benches, Izumi sushi and Manwich sauces join forces and become WhataPizzaWorkIzuMan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

After sealing its position as the consultants of choice in the business world, Booz Allen Hamilton merges with the firm of Dames & Moore. As Booz, Dames and Moore, the new firm looks to become the consultants of choice to members of Congress. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)

Marriott hotels, Arthur D. Little consultants and L.A.M.B. clothing merge to become MarriottALittleLamb. (Chris Doyle)

Clif Bar, PowerBar, Snickers, Babar Impex and Cybarco Bahrain Ltd. thought they'd take a chance as Bar-Bar-Bar-Babar-Bahrain. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

3M, Stryker, SanDisk, Hewlett-Packard, Toys R Us and American Eagle Outfitters merge to become 3 Stryke Sand Hew R Out. (Randy Lee, Burke)

The Washington Blade, Drake's Devil Dogs and Purina Dog Chow merge to form OutDamnedSpot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Cryogenics Labs, Windows ME and Amazon.com will merge and become Cry ME a River. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Consolidate De Beers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire, and you have De Beers Indy Fridge. (Becky Moyer, Alexandria)

Hair Club for Men merged with Huggies to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It's clear that the Hanover Foods and Everlast Boxing Equipment merger will succeed Hanover Fist. (Kevin Dopart)

Harley-Davidson merged with Tide to make Hogwash. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Henckel Cutlery merged with Nike to form a defense consulting group called Cut and Run, but hasn't gotten any federal contracts, yet. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

If Massengill Co. bought up Super Fresh, California Pizza Kitchen, Fraport AG, Ballistic Recovery Systems, Microsoft Windows XP and Allergan Pharmaceuticals, they could market Super Cali FrAG'allistic XP Aller douches. (Combined from the entries of Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, and Chris Doyle)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

352. Minnesotans

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.

When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he
immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going
down dere yust for 50 cents."

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police lineup.
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French
woman came in first, the English woman second. The Norwegian woman
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls
used deir arms."

The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians
invented the hole in it.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the
first Norwegian.
"Vell," said the other one, "at dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch
any more."

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian
on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he
said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer
it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't, then you buy ME one Okay?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my
brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.Who vas
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian
went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a
game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't,
YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven. "Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her
nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious,"
said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was
Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.
One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole
reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened
tew our sex relations?" he asked.
"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a
card from dem last Christmas."

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Friday, July 13, 2007

351. Chain Letter for Men

Instant Relief for Tired and Discouraged Men

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Monday, July 09, 2007

350. Whats The Difference

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.