Onward Bound Humor

If you have any jokes that would fit here please send them to: Bookgleaner@gmail.com ---------------------------- More blogs: http://Outwardboundideas.blogspot.com - http://Inwardboundpoetry.blogspot.com - http://Homewardboundphotos.blogspot.com - And http://davidthemaker.blogspot.com/

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

327. Wives

1) 'When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.'
Sacha Guitry
2) 'After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.'
Hemant Joshi
3) 'By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.'
4) 'Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.'
5) 'I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.'
6) 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henry Youngman
7) 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran
8) 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray
9) Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
10) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
11) 'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.'
Rodney Dangerfield
12) 'A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.'
Milton Berle

From: Jewish-News-Humor mailing list

Thursday, November 23, 2006

326. Things I'm Thankful For

Washington Post Invitational
Things I'm Thankful For (689)

1) I'm thankful that Kim Jong II doesn't have an evil twin. (Art Grinath)
2) That someone found my grandmother attractive (Tim Vanderlee)
3) That I'm tall enough that I can't smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy)
4) We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter)
5) That dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar)
6) For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. ( Bob Dalton)
7) That I learned that x=3 and y=4, so now I'll be able to help my son with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin)
8) That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath)

Monday, November 20, 2006

325. Synagogue Seating Arrangements

From: http://www.haruth.com/jhumorlink.

During, the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
Talking section
No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
Stock market
General gossip
Specific gossip (choose:)
The rabbi
The cantor
The cantor's voice
The cantor's significant other
Fashion news
What others are wearing
Why they look awful
Your neighbors
Your relatives
Your neighbors' relatives
Presidential Election (uh oh)
Sex (Preference):______________________
Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
Child psychiatrist
Real estate agent
Buyer (Specify store:____________
Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
On the aisle
Near the exit
Near the window
In Aruba
Near the bathroom
Near my in-laws
As far away from my in-laws as possible
As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
Near the pulpit
Near the Kiddush table
Near single men
Near available women
Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
Rabbi's wife
The cantor's significant other

Your name:________________________________

Building fund pledge: $________________________

Friday, November 10, 2006

324. News From the "Other" Border

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the
exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the
other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North
Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if
I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I
didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk"

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found o ne carload
without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little
Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen
young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,"
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and
pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure
liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some
Peter, Paul &Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species
on pos tage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

Monday, November 06, 2006

323. A Simple Question

From: http://www.haruth.com/
A Simple Question

Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
“How old are you?” asked the attorney.
“I am, kin ahora, 82.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I am, kin ahora, 82 years old.”
“Please just give a simple answer to my question,” said the attorney.
“How old are you?”
“Kin ahora, 82,” replied Abe.
The judge intervened: “If you don’t want to be held in contempt of court,
the witness will answer the question and only the question.”
The defense counsel then got up and said to the judge, “Your Honor, may I
ask the witness?” and turned toward Abe.
“Kin ahora, how old are you?”
Abe replied, “82.”